At work, overhearing talk about hockey games... (PS - didn't we all vow to stop caring about hockey when we lost to Canada in the Winter Olympics last year?)
"How about that game?"
"A real nail-biter."
"How about that [player I can't remember]?"
"Yeah, he used to be our closer."
At some point around this time, they notice me - silent in the corner of the room.
"Kelley, are you into hockey?" (Sarcasm noted)
Me: "Oh absolutely. You know, with the hip checks and the three periods and all....no, I'm not into hockey."
They do know that hockey players lose their teeth to stray pucks and that girls like boys to have ALL of their teeth when they smile at us sheepishly, right?
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
10 Year Anniversary of Bridget Jones's Diary! (Movie)
I must make you all aware that you've been thinking about Daniel Cleaver asking Mark Darcy if he should 'bring his dueling pistol or his sword' outside, Bridget sliding down a fireman's pole on national television (good thing it's a rather small country), Bridget's enormous panties/short skirt/see-thru blouse, and lastly Bridget's bunny suit (Bop-bop!) for TEN YEARS!
How is that possible, you ask? How could it possibly be only ten years that you've had those images in your head? It's like trying to figure out what we did before the internet. Or how we survived without cell phones. It's impossible to figure out, and we just have to praise our respective deities for saving us from our lives before Bridget.
So, before the end of the month, PLEASE celebrate 10 Years of Bridget Jones by doing something that only Bridget Jones, "wanton sex goddess with a very bad man between her thighs," would do! I expect the stories of your adventures in the comments section! Either that, or your favorite Bridget Quote...
A few of my favorite Bridget Quotes:
(1) At times like this, continuing with one's life seems impossible, and eating the entire contents of one's fridge seems inevitable.
(2) Obviously will lose 20 pounds, number two...
(3) Will not be defeated by a bad man and an American stick-insect. This time I choose vodka, and Chaka Khan.
(4) The only thing worse than smug married couple: lots of smug married couples.
(5) Wait a minute. Nice men don't kiss like that.
A few of my favorite non-Bridget Quotes:
(1) Outside? Should I bring my dueling pistol or my sword? (Clearly...)
(2) Just as you are? Not thinner? Not cleverer? Not with slightly bigger breasts or a slightly smaller nose?
(3) FIGHT. Come on, it's a real fight.
(4) There's nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm wearing something quite similar myself. Here, let me show you...
(5) Bridget works in publishing and used to run around naked in my paddling pool.
How is that possible, you ask? How could it possibly be only ten years that you've had those images in your head? It's like trying to figure out what we did before the internet. Or how we survived without cell phones. It's impossible to figure out, and we just have to praise our respective deities for saving us from our lives before Bridget.
So, before the end of the month, PLEASE celebrate 10 Years of Bridget Jones by doing something that only Bridget Jones, "wanton sex goddess with a very bad man between her thighs," would do! I expect the stories of your adventures in the comments section! Either that, or your favorite Bridget Quote...
A few of my favorite Bridget Quotes:
(1) At times like this, continuing with one's life seems impossible, and eating the entire contents of one's fridge seems inevitable.
(2) Obviously will lose 20 pounds, number two...
(3) Will not be defeated by a bad man and an American stick-insect. This time I choose vodka, and Chaka Khan.
(4) The only thing worse than smug married couple: lots of smug married couples.
(5) Wait a minute. Nice men don't kiss like that.
A few of my favorite non-Bridget Quotes:
(1) Outside? Should I bring my dueling pistol or my sword? (Clearly...)
(2) Just as you are? Not thinner? Not cleverer? Not with slightly bigger breasts or a slightly smaller nose?
(3) FIGHT. Come on, it's a real fight.
(4) There's nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm wearing something quite similar myself. Here, let me show you...
(5) Bridget works in publishing and used to run around naked in my paddling pool.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Bridget on the 5 Stages
Weight: x+15....sigh.
Have come to realize that I've entered the 5 stage of Being Fat.
Denial: Am not fat. Am big boned. Also, jeans have shrunk in the wash. Am not going to have to buy new clothes and/or wear fat jeans. Just need to add hour into daily schedule to properly "stretch" jeans prior to wearing them out in public.
Anger: How dare doctor say I need to lose weight! Maybe if weren't in LA where everyone is supposed to be a stick-insect, would not be considered obese. Doctor needs to take a look in the mirror!
Bargaining: Ok, let's be reasonable here. If I do a few lunges, maybe a couple crunches here and there, and promise not to eat ice cream sandwiches anymore, I should still be able to eat nutella with pretzels as dinner one night a week. That's fair, right?
Depression: Ugh. No one will ever love me. Might as well embrace it and dive into Party-sized Pretzel M&M bag.
Acceptance: Whoever said 'nothing tastes as good as being thin feels' must be allergic to chocolate. Chocolate will never let me down. Bring on the fat jeans.
Have come to realize that I've entered the 5 stage of Being Fat.
Denial: Am not fat. Am big boned. Also, jeans have shrunk in the wash. Am not going to have to buy new clothes and/or wear fat jeans. Just need to add hour into daily schedule to properly "stretch" jeans prior to wearing them out in public.
Anger: How dare doctor say I need to lose weight! Maybe if weren't in LA where everyone is supposed to be a stick-insect, would not be considered obese. Doctor needs to take a look in the mirror!
Bargaining: Ok, let's be reasonable here. If I do a few lunges, maybe a couple crunches here and there, and promise not to eat ice cream sandwiches anymore, I should still be able to eat nutella with pretzels as dinner one night a week. That's fair, right?
Depression: Ugh. No one will ever love me. Might as well embrace it and dive into Party-sized Pretzel M&M bag.
Acceptance: Whoever said 'nothing tastes as good as being thin feels' must be allergic to chocolate. Chocolate will never let me down. Bring on the fat jeans.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Bridget off the wagon
As a result of lots of wanting to stab people, I thought it might be smart to go back to my original plan and ask myself WWBJD. Turns out, Bridget would turn to the bottle for comfort. That and Chaka Khan. Texted friend "Hey, you like to drink, right?" Answer was affirmative.
First (and last) drink choice: Margarita. Very, very nice. And none of that "skinny girl margarita." What the heck is the point? If I wanted something with no calories, I'd drink water, thank you. After so long, no one will be surprised to hear that one drink was enough to knock me over. I continued licking the salt off the rim past the point of there being any left.
*Math nerd moment - Last drink was over a year ago on birthday, which is the fifteenth day of the first month. Went exactly 15 months and 1 day. Reciprocal relationship with sobriety...I'm not going to read into that.
First (and last) drink choice: Margarita. Very, very nice. And none of that "skinny girl margarita." What the heck is the point? If I wanted something with no calories, I'd drink water, thank you. After so long, no one will be surprised to hear that one drink was enough to knock me over. I continued licking the salt off the rim past the point of there being any left.
*Math nerd moment - Last drink was over a year ago on birthday, which is the fifteenth day of the first month. Went exactly 15 months and 1 day. Reciprocal relationship with sobriety...I'm not going to read into that.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Weight: x+16. Wowza. Current goal is to enter weekend back at square one. Square one being x+15. I think that sounds fair.
Ugh, why do I always want to stab people with my heels? I'm wearing my cross necklace today which usually calms me down. Rubbing it today has effectively led to no homicides...yet. I'm thinking of shutting my door to the rude jerk that makes me want to stab him. It's totally ok in a work environment to say "hey, you can call me, email me, IM me, but you CANNOT come down and stand in my personal space yelling at me while eating a bagel I BOUGHT," am I right? I think I'm right.
In other news, did flirt, and it amounted to us both saying "you're cute" "you're cuter..." Progress, I think. No mention of non-existent skirt being off sick.
Ugh, why do I always want to stab people with my heels? I'm wearing my cross necklace today which usually calms me down. Rubbing it today has effectively led to no homicides...yet. I'm thinking of shutting my door to the rude jerk that makes me want to stab him. It's totally ok in a work environment to say "hey, you can call me, email me, IM me, but you CANNOT come down and stand in my personal space yelling at me while eating a bagel I BOUGHT," am I right? I think I'm right.
In other news, did flirt, and it amounted to us both saying "you're cute" "you're cuter..." Progress, I think. No mention of non-existent skirt being off sick.
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