Jokes told to me by the Bad Guy from Kindergarten Cop

Note:  I guessed the answer to two of these three.

(1) What does the Indian say when his dog falls off a cliff?
....
(2) Why does the chicken cross the playground?
....
(3) What is red and smells like blue paint?
....

AnswershiddenintextblockofletterssoyouarelesslikelytoinadvertentlyseethemandthusspoilthesurpriseofthecorniestjokeseveranswernumberoneisdoggoneanswernumbertwoistogettotheotherslideanswernumberthreeisredpaintandnowafewmorelettersthrowninforgoodmeasurebecauseIknowyouareonpinsandneedlesnotwantingthesejokestobespoiled,suchgems.

Still, this did lighten my mood, which was previously "how hard do I have to throw my shoe to kill a man?"

Weight:  Have forgotten to weigh in lately....is there some psychological aspect to that?  Hmm.  Think was more a factor of forgetfulness.  Still, bad news today when I remembered.  x+18.  Nearly 2 months of having goal (yet not working toward goal), and progress report: gained 3 pounds.  Bridget would be proud.

In summary of current life, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Followed by:
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

Please let me be alive in April.

Really, People? REALLY?

9pm on a Friday is a perfect time to get a call from someone your boss just decided to give your cell phone # to.  Someone who has your email address and has already emailed you within the hour.  That hour being 8pm to 9pm on a Friday.  You know, the hour that began 10 minutes after you left work.  Which was the earliest you've left work in 4 weeks.  Which is 6 hours after your boss told you to go home.  Which made you laugh.  Thanks, sir.  Note: I have an excellent boss - definitely not his finest hour though.

In other news, 9pm on a Friday is a perfect time to have to call your two lead actresses and ask them if they would like to spend their Saturday night in the back of a police car.  I opted to email and live with whatever consequences arise.  But I guess I'll have to call them in the morning if I don't hear back.  What is the perfect hour for that?

I love my job, I love my job.  I love my job.

Anyway, I'm going to get back to work here, folks.  Because after all, it's a perfect time to do more work.  :-)

Question of the Day

Question: How many middle men does it take to get something, anything, done?

Answer:  Only one if they yell REALLY loudly.

I need to learn how to yell louder.

Bake more things!

Dear Friends,
When you bake things, I feel obliged to sample them out of respect to our friendship and your energies in making a tasty treat.  So hear me now:  BAKE MORE THINGS!  This is the guilt-free loophole to my sweet tooth.

Thank you, good day.
Kelley

Happy Single Awareness Day!

I have to say, I don't hate Valentine's Day as much as I guess I should, as a Singleton that is.  I've had some good ones.  I've had some OK ones.  I've had some non-existent ones (those were the best).  Quite frankly, I just think it's a good excuse to wear a red dress.  Oh, and to send out cards that are far more socially acceptable than if I sent out Christmas Cards (since I never get around to writing them) 2 months late.

That being said, WITH my red dress, I wore some exceptionally high heels today.  There was a close call on potentially becoming a fully fledged Bridget Jones: I thought there was a good chance high heels + red dress would equal falling into the toilet.  Seriously, the higher the heels, the more you feel like you're in an elementary school's girls' room.  Yikes.  That would have made the record books of bad Valentine's Days.  However, should I have come out of the restroom and found a Brit snickering at me, I'm sure he would have been the Mark Darcy of my dreams.  Ah, missed opportunities.  Lesson:  in a movie, your worst moments coincide with your best.

So, Happy Single Awareness Day to all!  And poor men.  Spending so much money on food, alcohol and flowers for women who either could care less about them or who care far too much about them. 

PS - If, say, I were to watch a movie about teen love and vampires that is being called "the best love story of our time" on the treadmill running tonight, would that end well or not?  Would I a) run my heart out and laugh at the melodrama or b) collapse into tears and decide that running to Vons to buy chocolates was exercise enough?

Speaking Kelley

Are you fluent in Kelley? 

Did you know that "Absolutely" means "Yes" and "Sure" means "No?" 
Did you know that "I'm not sure" means "what are you talking about?" 
What about "sounds great" which means "shut up already?"
You probably figured out that "thanks so much" means "you ARE doing this so just do it already."
As opposed to "thanks" which means....well, that's not very nice language at all.
"Thank you" in any context, however, is genuine.

Oy.  No wonder no one understands me.

Post note:  This mainly applies to Work-Kelley.  Friend-Kelley says "thanks" genuinely as well.  Especially when followed up with "so much."

Spinsterhood of the Traveling Chocolates

Weight:  x+15.  Meh.

Planning single ladies party for Saturday before Valentine's Day - the Saturday when couples will crowd all restaurants, making it impossible to be out in public and comfortable. 

Feel encouraged that Bridget would, in fact, do this.  Well, that and also check under her doormat for Valentines from Daniel.  Biggest Bridget influence: skipping the blue soup and just going straight to ordering pizza. 

Hope that if you're reading this and want to join, you'll let me know!

Weight:  x+15.  Had nightmare last night that I said out loud I weighed x+24. It was sort of like a Weight Watchers meeting - which proves that Weight Watchers meetings would be my nightmare.

At first, I was just horrified that I had accidentally said my weight out loud. Then, I was scared to death that I had gained 9 pounds overnight. I was doing a lot of math in my head while still remaining asleep. Guess that's par for the course since I've always been obsessed with numbers. Needless to say, weighing in this morning was a big relief and deserved a celebration at Starbucks.

In other news, it's been suggested I take internet video applications for the roles of Daniel Cleaver and Mark Darcy in my life.  I'm considering it.  Hmm. Is this the new age of dating?  Will our kids hear about their parents meeting at a bar and think "that's so quaint?"