Wednesday, December 21, 2011

And They Say Romantic Comedies Aren't Realistic

I can't help but chuckle as I watch action movies or spy TV shows, etc.  There's almost always a scene in which a woman has to seduce a man while wearing a ball gown.  The men they're trying to seduce are almost always conveniently hosting lavish parties where it doesn't even faze them that someone they've never met is there - and usually stealing attention on the dance floor.

Reality check:  These are not the men that these women would really have to seduce.  They wouldn't be wearing white tuxedos and drinking 30 year old scotch, fyi.  No, the powerful men in reality would be wearing hoodie sweatshirts, glasses, and converse sneakers.  They could more easily pass for homeless than lavish.  The hot women seducing them would need to get an invitation to their exclusive arcade (where they have the original Ms. PacMan game, and you might even be able to touch it IF you wash your hands first).   If the girl has long, flowing hair, full lips, and a tramp stamp, and if she showed a passing interest in hearing stories of the first time the guy hacked into the Pentagon's server, she's golden.   (Yeah, that's right - Social Network.)

So, stop telling me I'm unrealistic in imagining that Colin Firth might find me charming for doing something as mundane as tripping over my heels.  (Note:  I would never trip over my heels.  That's just crazy talk.)  I'm actually just as realistic as the average writer, regardless of the genre.

Side note:  I'm reminded of a fun scene in Ocean's 13 when the gender tables are turned.  Finally, it's Matt Damon who must play the 'seductress' to Ellen Barkin.  For the record, Matt, the nose plays.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Me and Mindy Kaling

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) [Book]As everyone knows, Kelly Kapoor (as played by Mindy Kaling) loves Bridget Jones and impersonates her sometimes on customer service calls.  She likes ice cream.  She needs a boyfriend.

If you haven't read it yet, spoiler:  Mindy ALSO loves Bridget Jones as shown in her new book Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (And Other Concerns)....which you should totally read, like, nowish.  She specifically talks about how a nontraumatic event has made her cry: when Mark Darcy tells Bridget that he likes her just the way she is as she's making an "Irish Exit" from the smug married dinner party.  (Ok, maybe it's not technically an Irish Exit, but we didn't SEE her say goodbye.  Same thing.)  Yes, Mindy.  It is fabulous.  It's not Ephrony, but that's kinda why it's so awesome.

The major take-away from her book (other than laughter and delight that we could totally be best friends - no seriously, I might stalk you, Mindy) is that I discovered I might be afraid of dating "men."  Eek!  I didn't realize it, but yes, Mindy, you're right!  I'm scared when guys have everything together and have all of these real grown up opinions about things.  I don't know if I'm ready for the medicine cabinet with Lipitor in it just yet.  If you want to see me squirm, have a guy mention how his stockbroker saved him some money, allowing him to take a week long vacation to Brazil where he went to museums by choice instead of getting drunk and scamming on half-naked babes on the beach.  What?  That should be drool-inducing, but I'd be scared to death!  Apparently, I want to be the more cultured, mature person in the relationship, and that is a P-R-O-B-L-E-M!  Note: not because I know a lot of guys like this and have been running for the hills upon meeting them, but because I'm apparently not even looking for them!

Eye opening.  I needed that.  Thanks, Mindy.  (That makes us totally BFFs now, by the way.  My closet es su closet.)

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Happy Holidays is not a "War on Christmas"

As a Christian, I have to come out with it already.  I say "Happy Holidays."  I buy two sets of cards - one with Christmas mentioned and one without.  Or else I just buy ones without, if my needs are small enough for one box of cards.  And for my money, that does not take ANYTHING away from Christmas.

War-on-Christmas people, you just can't have it both ways!  You can't win being the most popular winter holiday, expect everyone to respect your right to celebrate it with time off work, presents, and heck, even bonuses, AND then also claim that you are victims.  Sorry, doesn't work that way.

In sports terms (which I know absolutely nothing about), that would be like winning the Superbowl and expecting the losing team's city to host a parade for you that you aren't even going to attend.

By all means, wish EACH OTHER a very merry Christmas.  No one has ever said you can't.  I believe THAT is something your often misquoted 1st amendment would protect.  But what the heck do you care if people say other things?  I'm sorry, are we living in Nazi Germany?  Do we all need to start our conversations with Heil Hitler?

If you want to know what is the real war-on-Christmas, it's that you're AOK with people celebrating Christmas as a family tradition, about as religious as Thanksgiving.  (Note:  this is not something I have a problem with.)  Every time a non-Christian wishes someone Merry Christmas, that should be a little part of you dying.  It's certainly a little part of your argument dying.

I try my darndest NOT to wish Merry Christmas to anyone who doesn't celebrate it.  Some celebrate it as a religious holiday, some not so much.  If you celebrate it, you get a Merry Christmas.  BUT I completely respect everyone's right NOT to celebrate Christmas, and I would feel much more comfortable wishing those people Happy Holidays.  After all, we're talking about wishing well upon people, right?  So isn't this fight already a huge contradiction of intent?

The second part of your argument that I have a problem with:  The victim mentality.  Why, oh why, oh why do you CHOOSE to make yourselves victims here?  A) It's a stretch to even begin to see you as one.  B) Who on earth wants to be a victim?  (See previous post.)  C) If you really were victims - not legally allowed to mention Christmas in public - that would go against the constitution, you're right....but you're not, so shut it.

Summary:  I'm a Christian.  I'm not a victim.  And I say "Happy Holidays."  What would you prefer I say to you, f&*k you?  That's another option.

Bridget on Victimology

My #1 favorite thing about Bridget Jones is how she refuses to be a victim. 

I also try to refuse to be a victim.  I do strange things my friends don't understand to make sure I'm not a victim.  For example, I'll try to move a sofa out of a tight doorway so that if the paint chips off in the attempt, I have no one to blame but myself.  That's right.  I did that.  And guess what?  The paint chipped.  What of it?  See, I can handle that the choices I make in life lead to bad outcomes.  I can't handle blaming "the establishment" or anyone else for my suffering.  (In this case, suffering is looking at chipped paint in the doorway...I really should just get that fixed.) 

When words that resemble "excuses" come out of my mouth, a little vomit does as well.  I focus on making "explanations" not excuses, but it's a terribly thin line.  After all, some explanations are necessary in life.  For instance, "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings by leaving you out.  I sincerely thought you had other plans."  Without that explanation, you could have a Three's Company style 'misunderstanding' that can only be worked out by things getting much, much worse...until the Roepers sort things out.  Still, thin line.  I'm working on it, Bridge. 

Tell me, does Bridget Jones explain in great detail that she didn't know the mic just needed to be switched on?  Does she make a sign to hang around her neck explaining how she thought she was attending a Tarts and Vicars party because Geoffrey forgot to call her?  Does she whine and complain that Daniel cheated on her?  That she was given the wrong cue and that why she flashed (and then toppled) a TV camera?  Does she blame her crew when she misses an important interview whilst buying Polos and a packet of Wheat Crunchies?

Answer:  no, she does not.  Quite admirably so, I'd say.

So long as Bridget can have a good movie montage where she drinks a lot of vodka, throws away self-help books and falls off a stationary bike, she's golden.  She will not be defeated by anyone, much less a bad man and an American stick insect.  She will look for new jobs, telling them the blunt truth of why she's on the job market, land one, and then tell the bad man she'd prefer kissing Saddam Hussein's a$$ to working within ten yards of him.  Plan of attack - Follow through - Success.  R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to her!

So while a lot of Bridget's characteristics are, ahem, an acquired taste let's say, her dedication to not being a victim is one that can be admired by one and all.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Smug New Mothers

The story's out.  The third film will be about Bridget Jones, the new mother, entitled "Bridget Jones's Baby."

  • Colin Firth will most definitely be in tons of scenes, given that Mark Darcy had better be the Daddy. 
  • It would be quite challenging to fit in a scene of her doing drugs in Thailand, my least favorite scene of the sequel.
  • The weight gain and insecurities will be a proper theme for a new mother.
  • I can't wait to see the Joneses and the Darcys as grandparents.  Joy!
  • It's another chance for Bridget to be on the screen and go through an important life chapter, giving us possible quotes for when we go through it ourselves.  The new "eating the entire contents of one's fridge" after a break-up could be "the only thing worse than a smug new mother - lots of smug new mothers." 
  • Edge of Reason's best scene is a DVD extra where Bridget interviews Colin Firth.  This is a bit reminiscent of Love Actually's best scene being the extended version of Hugh Grant dancing that was also a DVD extra.  In other words, those movies stunk.  A fact which does not stop me from watching them when they come on television.
  • There's no drinking or smoking for a new mom....sigh.  But there can be "talking total nonsense."
  • We know Daniel Cleaver will make an appearance, but the stakes seem just a little too high for a rekindling of their romance.  I don't want to see him wrecking their home, complete with a BABY!
  • Oh please, dear God in heaven, don't let there be a projectile vomiting scene in which Baby spits up on Mark Darcy's barrister gown.  I will cry if you reduce yourselves to that level of comedy.
  • Will she have become a smug married herself?  The risk exists. Oy.
  • There is a chance that this actually will end with her delivering the baby in the hospital...oh how wrong they could possibly do that.  In fact, there's pretty much no way they could do it right.
  • If they even use the word paternity test, I'm walking out.  Full stop.
  • Everyone remembers there's no book this is based on, right? 

In short, Hooray for there being a new movie with Bridget and my two favorite Brits.  Boo for there being a v. g. chance that this will win tons of Razzies.
PS - does anyone remember when Renee Zellweger was actually nominated for an Oscar for Bridget Jones?  Thrilled me to the core.  Oh look how far we've fallen, Bridge.  I fear for your future, but only out of love.

Pssst.  Helen Fielding....ever thought about making a Daniel Cleaver spin-off movie instead of a sequel?