Friday, December 31, 2010

The Book vs. The Movie

In preparation for next year, I re-read Bridget Jones's Diary, hooray!  My main focus in re-reading was to decide once and for all which I'm following: the book or the movie?  Down to the wire now, I have to finally choose.

Honestly, I've got to go with the movie.  I know people who read books before they watch movies are "supposed" to love the books more and be mad about any discrepancies between the two.  There are certainly a lot of differences - the Pamela Jones fiasco, the progress with Mark Darcy, the length of the Daniel relationship, even her birthday.

But I can't help it.  I love the movie more. 
It has more of the structure of Pride and Prejudice, it kept the voice of Bridget alive while giving us a chance to form our own opinions of events from outside of her POV.  Another way of saying I was able to both laugh with her and at her in the movie...but just with her in the book.

So, for the record, folks - I am Bridget Jones, as played by my alter-ego Renee Zellweger.  Let the new year of being Bridget begin!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Reflections on Bridget as the Wanton Sex Goddess

Pros for Daniel: 
He v. much likes her granny panties. 
He inspires her to write letters of thanks to the Prime Minister.
He encourages her to open up about prior experiences, especially should they involve French-kissing other girls in school.

Cons for Daniel:
He hides his other partners, naked in his bathroom.
He is indifferent about whether his Thai prostitute is male or female.
He turns the office into a sexually charged electric chair that she must escape.

Pros for Mark:
He doesn't kiss like nice boys.
He likes her wobbly bits.
He tolerates her staring at him when he sleeps.

Cons for Mark:
.....completely stumped.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

What Bridget would think of New Year's Eve

Bridget thinks New Year's Eve is a wonderful holiday!  You get to drink, and no one can tell you you're too drunk because it's New Year's Eve!  The countdown/drinking game is a pivotal part of her year.  You know the one...where you take a shot every time they count down to a new number?  10...9...8...7...6...have you fallen over yet?

She has many thoughts on New Year's Resolutions.  For one, they shouldn't go into effect until January 2nd because New Year's Eve spills into New Year's Day.  That seems fair.  Should you actually plan on keeping any of them, that would help.  On that note, it's wise to make a long list of resolutions so that you might accidentally keep a few.

Off to compose my long list of resolutions that will be effective 1/2/2011!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Reviewing: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Is there a person in the world who doesn't know what this book is all about?

Well, a short blog post isn't going to cover all of it, so we'll just talk about what I found most interesting.

Sometimes men don't talk, and sometimes women don't know how to deal with it.
Sometimes women talk a ton, and men don't give them what they're after.
Sometimes men pull away when they are scared of commitment.
Sometimes women need to make men feel needed.
Sometimes men need to support women in their struggles.

Interestingly enough, I was relating a lot to the poor men in this book.  I often listen to my friends talk about problems, and my mind wanders to any solution I can think of.  Then, I offer that solution before they're even done talking.  Poor women!  I'm going to work on that.  It's true that I sometimes talk without wanting there to be an obvious solution, and sometimes the point of my venting isn't to get input but just to get a pat on the shoulder and hear "oh, that must stink."  Women.  Even I don't get us.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Bridget on Snow

Bridget is VERY adept at driving in snow.  Far better than most.  Far better than her father whom she insists should drive faster to the Darcys' ruby wedding party.  She takes the wheel, races there, and the rest is oratorical fireworks the likes of:
"No!  It's just such a terrible pity...for England to lose such a great legal brain...for the people of England like me and you to lose one of our top person really.  Well, better dash.  Got another party to go to.  Single people.  Mainly poofs. Bye." 

*For the record, she is available for bar mitzvahs and christenings as well as ruby weddings.

However, now we come to Kelley on snow.  While being from the relatively warm town of Kelleytown Georgia and currently living in the even warmer town of Burbank California, I did experience a dark period in the snow-covered Boston.  I thought I would adore snow.  In Georgia, snow meant school was off and fun was to be had.  In Boston, snow meant that it was Tuesday....or any other day of the week for that matter.  Snow was not the charming thing of Christmas Carols and Winter Wonderlands.  It was cold rain that stuck to you.  It was dirty piles of slush you had to step over to get to the sidewalk.  It was that thing that threatened your life from Thanksgiving to Easter.  In short, I was not a fan.

That being said, I did just have my first White Christmas ever, here in the warm state of Georgia.  While it's almost completely melted and was quite beautiful, I have to say I would like it to be 70 degrees again stat.

Bridget, you can keep your snow.  I'll just take your man, thanks.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Re: Daniel Cleaver vs. Mr. Mistake of 2011

Dear Alcoholic, Workaholic, Commitment-phobic, Megalomaniac, Emotional Bleep-wit, Pervert.  Otherwise known as Mr. Mistake of 2011.  You will most likely be the most fun to find.  Giving myself permission to make a mistake (much like a favorite Fiona Apple song) is a freeing sensation, that will no doubt lead to the right outcome in time!  How else will I recognize a truly wonderful man unless I stumble upon a truly horrible wolf in sheep's clothing.

Mr. Mistake, please do be as charming as Daniel Cleaver.  That is, please do compliment me inappropriately, comfort me when I make a fool of myself, become jealous when you spot me talking to your mortal enemy, and ultimately return to fight for me when I finally end up with Mr. Darcy.

Adieu, dear sweet Mr. Mistake.  Until next week at the New Year's Eve party - I'll be the one singing "Without You."  Poorly, I might add.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

WWBJD: Exchanging Gifts

In honor of Christmas, let's play out a scenario that has surely happened to us all.  Someone gives you a gift, and you didn't get them one.

Scenario:  Bridget went to Jude's Christmas party, and unfortunately she saw Rebecca the jellyfish there....coming toward her with a gift.  Since when did they become gift-exchanging friends?  Isn't it enough that Bridget associates with her even though Rebecca insults her (and everyone else) every chance she gets?

A) Tell Rebecca - "Oh, I didn't know you'd be here!  I didn't bring your gift with me.  We'll just have to meet for lunch next week so I can give it to you." (What's the cheapest box of chocolates at Marks & Spencer?)
B) Own up to it - "Rebecca, that is so sweet of you.  I feel horrible I didn't get you something." 
C) Steal something of Jude's and offer it to Rebecca as her gift.

I think Bridget might do C and apologize to Jude later.  Rebecca is not someone you want to upset OR spend time with.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Another Open Letter to People Who Don't Like Colin Firth

Dear Idiots,

Why are you still idiots?  Do you fail to notice the cleft chin?  The dreamy voice?  With the perfect British accent?  The tallness?  The intensity of his looks?  The boyish smile?  The menacing curl of his lip?  The overall Mr. Darcyness of him?

Ok, if that doesn't convince you, I give up.  Go live on some Colin-Firthless island and stop annoying me on discussion boards.


PS - I hope you're not Academy voters.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Reflections on Having Fun

Sometimes you just have to forget about your goals, your pride, your New Year's Resolutions, your diet.  Sometimes you just have to have fun.  Bride-of-Frankenstein hair and fun.  Sometimes you have to laugh so hard that it hurts (and also gives you great abs).  Sometimes you have to quote Keats on a little boat and fall in the water.  Sometimes you have to slide down a fireman's pole.  Sometimes you have to eat blue soup.  Sometimes you have to wear a bunny suit to a garden party.  Sometimes you have to ski into a drug store...still on skis.  Sometimes you have to take your chance to ask Colin Firth about "the wet shirt."  Sometimes you have to break out Madonna in a Thai Prison.

Fish face with antlers?
I'm a mutant fish, what of it?
Or in my case, sometimes you have to hang little girls upside down and let them shreik in the woods.  (Oh, that sounds so wrong out of context.  So here's some.)  Sometimes you have to take each other's picture making fish faces.  Sometimes you have to get a make-over from a little girl who has MUCH enthusiasm for rubber bands...and Disney Princesses.  Sometimes you have to wear snap-on plastic beads as necklaces.  Sometimes you have to have tea parties with tea cups full of sugar instead of tea.  Sometimes you have to play ring-around-the-rosy.  And sometimes you all fall down.

But the beautiful thing about family, urban or rural, is that you pick each other back up again.

Thank you, Morgans, for being one of my families!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

What Bridget would think of WikiLeaks

Based on her extensive research of WikiLeaks (SNL skits), she thinks Julian Assange is just a funny guy who wants to let people know what their friends say behind their backs.  In conversation, she simply summarizes her stance as "freedom of speech and all that, but it does seem like military secrets should remain secret; very complicated, tough one to call."  It's a very profound stance....and also mine.

Research materials:

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Reviewing: Marry Him - The Case for Settling

Yes, ok, THIS is a book about the bitches I see out in the world, finally!  But I still don't agree with the book.  Sorry, Lori.  Feminists aren't wrong, and some girls don't need to lower their expectations.

The main thing that Lori and I seem to have in common is dislike for Sex and the City.  Yes, Lori, they are entitled divas who expect men to treat them as such.  Agreed.  And I do hate that they became role models for a new generation of women.

Lori goes into great detail about her own personal experience, so I don't want to insult what she found to be her struggles.  Everyone is entitled to find love, and they should be willing to do whatever they need to do to achieve that goal.  Maybe some girls do need to be more realistic about their expectations (note: not lower them, just be realistic about what they are looking for).  But me?  Yeah, I really don't think that's been my problem with the whole L word.  My friends are probably divided on that though, so I'm listening within reason.

Lori goes through a group of guys for whom her first impression was less than stellar but who turned out to be great.  That's worth noting.  While "trust your gut" can get you pretty far in life, there is a chance that first impressions will prove to be wrong.  Haven't we all made some bad first impressions while being wonderful ourselves?

There you go.  Consider what you want.  Think about what that package actually will look like.  Try to give second chances to people who deserve them.  And throw out SATC gear.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Bridget on Rain

I know that it's winter, and I should not complain about a little rain in LA.  But it's NOT a little rain.  It's a lot of rain, and I haven't been dry since Friday morning!  And neither has my dog!  All I can smell is wet dog!

I did my laundry in the rain (getting it wet after drying it), I drove to two vets in the rain, I shopped in the rain, I walked my dog tons in the rain, I went to the airport TWICE in the rain (also with my dog...who was made further wet), and now I'm finally in Georgia where I'm free from the rain-a-thon.  Phew.

Bridget probably wouldn't mind the rain at all.  She lives in London, and it rains there more than it does here.  They don't call it London fog for nothing.  She'd be a tad more concerned about the snow.  I keep London weather up on my iPhone to help remind me why I shouldn't move there.  Bridget, if you ever want to get away from the rain, I have a spare room!  (Just don't come in December apparently.)

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Re: Mark Darcy vs. Mystery Man of 2011

"I came all the way back from New York
 and a partnership at a Law Firm to
............take Sandy to the airport."
"Mmm, thank you Mr. Darcy. 
You are v. good boyfriend."
I fully intended to write about Daniel Cleaver today so as to save Mark (the best) for last.  However, there are two days that I would really like to have an amazing boyfriend like Mark Darcy, and today was one of them.  They are:
(1) the day I take Sandy to the airport for Christmas vacation
(2) the day I take her back from vacation. 

As much help as my friends give me (today's victim being Sarah), it would just be a million times easier if an awesome Mark Darcy were there to carry Sandy's crate and watch my bags so that I could go ask the lady in the red vest if we're in the right line to check dogs.  It's a two-person job, plain and simple, and it would be so wonderful if that second person was someone who loved me, my dog, and was going on the trip with me. 

Mark Darcy can get Bridget out of Thai prison.  In BJD the book, he is able to get her mother out of prison in Italy and trap Julian.  Without a doubt, he could drop me off at the door and go park the car in park & ride, at which point he would return to help with assembling the crate.

Oh, Mystery Man of 2011, we're going to have so much fun going to the airport.

PS - After waiting in line for 3 hours, Sandy and I didn't get on the airplane and took a cab ride home.  I'm very pleased that I didn't cry...and also that Delta took the blame for not being able to check us in and covered the rebooking fees.  Next year, Mark will drive me home in this disastrous scenario (see park & ride) and rescue me from an expensive cab ride.  2011 is going to rock.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

WWBJD: Airport Security

We've all heard about the new TSA Airport Security measures.  With everyone chiming in about whether they are an invasion of privacy or a necessary security measure, I'm left wondering what would Bridget do indeed, should she be accosted by TSA agent on her holiday travels.

Scenario:  Bridget has come to the airport with all of the essentials.  That is, she has a very heavy bag to check, a purse the size of a duffel bag, a coat that would shield her from arctic weather, and a carry-on that she can hardly carry at all.  Having checked her bag, she must now go through the....dum dum screening.  A TSA agent gives her the option of being screened (seen naked), or being groped (felt as if naked).  She chooses being seen naked.  She hopes that the screener will not comment on how effective her spanx are at keeping in all of that fat.  HOWEVER, when she is scanned, she fails to remove her Tiffany heart necklace, so she additionally gets to be groped.  Fun!

A) Refuse and just not go on the trip.
B) Submit and give the stink-eye to the inspector.
C) Submit and preach to passers-by about how she is not a terrorist.
C) Ask for a male inspector and purr.

I'm going with B.  An appropriate level of indignation but ultimately inviting as little attention as possible.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Reflections on Literature

Which poem do you prefer?

A) To Autumn - Season of mists and mellow Keats
B) There once was a woman from Ealing who had a peculiar feeling...recited by Daniel Cleaver

My vote is for the one that allows me to sit in little boats and read poncey poetry to Daniel Cleaver.

Which book do you prefer?

A) Lord Jeffrey Archer's Kane and Abel
B) Fatwa-receiver Salman Rushdie's Satanic Verses

Having embarrassed herself less with Lord Archer, I think Bridget would certainly find his books more enjoyable to reread.  Rereading Rushdie would only make her bang her head against the wall, repeating "do you know...where the toilets are...idiot!"  Pre-embarrassment, I believe she'd have preferred Salman since his books are "also very good" as opposed to Archer's which "aren't bad either."

PS - Shout-out to Emory University in Atlanta for having Rushdie as a Distinguished Writer in Residence!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

What Bridget would think of Twitter

9:30am - V. excellent way to stay in touch with friends/fam.  Think will only contribute v. important information as public service.  Perhaps will get award for alerting people of natural disaster such as .4 earthquake in Los Angeles.

10:00am - Why does Shaz have more followers than I do?

11am - Right, my office is v. small in comparison to whole news organization.  So what, that publishing co-workers don't participate in new media as much as journalists.

Noon - Surely will get more followers while off having lunch.  Will just check back in later.

2pm - No new followers?  Really?  Why does no one care what I think?  I have thoughts.

3pm - Major brainwave.  Will post witticisms and link to celebrity gossip articles.

4pm - Hmm, can't think of witticism.  Oh well, here's an article about Brangelina - must post!

5pm - No new followers still?  Good thing time to leave work.  Cannot handle this rejection...

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Reviewing: Why Men Marry Bitches

Very ill-conceived plan, reading this now.  While I did rather enjoy reading prequel "Why Men Love Bitches," the sequel turns out to be geared more toward people who found some success with the first one and are now on the verge of committing or getting married.  That is, not people who read it last week and have been buried under a pile of work, presently unable to conceive of what a social life might be.  Read: not me.  But I will look past my mistake and store up a few tidbits for the future.

First of all, we still have a fundamental difference of opinion on what constitutes being a bitch.  Strong women are not the bitches that I see with a great guy, and think to myself "why her?"  The "bitches" I see are the ones that are quite the opposite: clingy, demanding, needy, gold-digging, damsels in distress who cannot wipe the disgust for mankind of their smug faces.  Come on, you know those girls.

Second of all, we have a fundamental difference of opinion in the men we are "after."  I'm sorry, but the guys I know would see a girl do these things suggested and think she wasn't interested, thus move on.  Just like anything else, it's not safe to use vast stereotypes.  We don't all live in Manhattan and associate with playas.

But enough of that, the tips:
Be Mary Ann, not Ginger.
Let him wonder where you are.
Don't call him all the time.
Let him be the one to suggest commitment.
Play it cool instead of getting emotional.
Men intentionally push you to bring out the crazy.

There you have it.  Fool proof get women to read a book for "all the answers" and make a lot of money in publishing.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Bridget on Work

"Afternoon, Bridget."

Bridget would not be what you would call a "hard worker."  She feels a little insecure about her English degree from a non-top university.  She doesn't really feel like she has a lot to offer in the way of "skills."  It isn't until she has the brilliant idea to cover BBC's Pride & Prejudice and Colin Firth's on-screen/off-screen relationship with Jennifer Ehle that she really feels like she's bringing something of value to the job.  Well, there's that and of course, bringing something nice to ogle underneath her shirt. 

Certainly, Bridget wants to have a job - something has to pay for ciggies and smoothies.  Also, it's a nice way of being introduced to new men to fantasize about.  But her career drive pretty much ends there.

Is she a sign of the times?  "Career girls" (as dear ole Auntie Una calls her) don't really care about their careers?  They'd happily toss their careers aside to keep house and children for Editors in Chief or Top Barristers?  While they say men think about sex 13 times a day, how much time do women spend thinking about love?  And does that get in the way of caring about petty office politics that would potentially move one up the proverbial ladder?

Ok, feminists.  Stone me.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Re: Shaz vs. Sara

Shaz, alt: Shazzer - (noun)  Central figure in Urban Family.  Journalist.  Likes to say f*#k a lot.  On a trip to Thailand, flirts with Jed, a much younger man who plants drugs on her, causing Bridget to go to Thai prison.

Sara, alt: Boston Sara so as not to confuse with St. Louis Sarah - (noun)  Entire Urban Family from my life in Boston.  Kept me from staying alone in my apartment most nights.  Visits me every year and inspires me to go to restaurants, bars, events that I usually wouldn't visit.  Took me on her business trip to Puerto Rico where she made me talk to a guy at a bar who turned out to be an ex-con, imprisoned for murder.  She did this purely for the amusement of watching me uncomfortably talk to a stranger at a bar.  That's about as close to prison as I've ever been!

Sara wins for not getting me arrested alone, but also because she makes me laugh way more than could possibly be healthy.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

WWBJD: Laundry Wars

Perhaps Bridget does laundry so infrequently because of the inherent laundry room wars.  Sure, maybe it's just because she's lazy, but cut her some slack, folks!

Scenario:  It's a Saturday night, and Bridget has decided that since she has no life, she can at least do her laundry while everyone else is off having lives.  She should be able to get in and out without being spotted either, thus not having to out herself as a pathetic spinster.  Success!  Bridget has washed all of her clothes, but now she has to wait for the dryers...she waits...she waits.  No one is coming to get these perfectly dry clothes out of the dryer so she can use them.

A) Take her own clothes out of the washer, leave them in the basket on top of the dryers that have finished running, and just check back every half hour.
B) Open the dryer, see if it's just towels and sheets or more intimate items.  If towels etc, put them on top of dryer and proceed to dry her own clothes.
C) Write passive-aggressive email to HOA list-serve about the lack of respect for people's time and personal property.

I'm going with B.  Bridget is bold when no one's looking. 

Friday, December 10, 2010

Smug Marrieds' Divorce Ratio vs. True Love

*None of my friends are smug marrieds.  So when I talk about smug marrieds, I am NOT talking about you, reader.  Unless I don't know you, in which case....I'm going to go out on a limb and say I'm most likely not.

There's a year in your life when everyone got married.  Think back to it.  Think of how many weddings you went to that year, and how every wedding seemed to be the culmination of years of planning, but seemingly as little thought to the intended spousal choice as to what color toothbrush you pick.  It was the next step, and nobody gave much thought to it.  When you did go to a wedding where the bride and groom were truly in love (not where there was an ultimatum, a shot gun, or a "well, I guess we outta make this thing legal"), it was remarkably refreshing.  Proposal stories that didn't begin with "she was giving hints, left the Tiffany catalog lying around" were as rare as rainy days in LA.

How many of those couples are divorced now?  Now, think of that as a ratio.  Is it 1 in 3, as Mark Darcy says?  If it's not, wait a year.

Maybe this seems negative.  It's not intended to be.  I refuse to be discouraged by divorce just as Bridget does.  That's because Bridget and I know what we're looking for, and we know when we find it, it will last.  We believe in a thing called love.

While Bridget knows she wants to get married more than anything, she also knows that there's a danger of becoming a smug married.  That's the last thing she wants.  While some friends say just to fake a pregnancy, she would never.  Instead, she worries very much when she's late and never tells either Daniel or Mark of her pregnancy worries.  (Ok, Mark does catch her in the act.)  She longs for true love.  True, committed, soul-mate love.  She'd rather be single forever rather than marry someone who doesn't really want to be with her.  And guess what.  She finds what she's looking for.  Doesn't get much more positive than that!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Reflections on Parties

It's the holiday season, so everyone is being bombarded with holiday parties!  Here are a few tips from Bridget on how to successfully navigate the party scene.

1) Party attire.  It's very important to wear something appropriate for the party you're attending.  If there's a theme, by all means, embrace it.  The last thing you want is to be the sore thumb that sticks out.
"Where are all the other tarts and vicars?"

2) Party mingling.  It's important to sense when the mingle has come to a natural end and move on.
"Do you know....where the toilets are?"

3) Party conversation. Keep conversations light and cheerful, reveling in the festive mood.
"Tell me, is it one in four marriages that end in divorce, or one in three?"

Hmm.  Perhaps you'll have better luck.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

What Bridget would think of The King's Speech

I am v. handsome king, aren't I? 
Mmm, your highness.
Right.  V. Excited re: new Colin Firth film.  Possibility of wet shirt low, but generally about him being King of England!  Genius casting, really, well done.  Supposed to have speech impediment that makes him v. bad public speaker.  Can relate.  Perhaps sign meant for each other?  If only nasty Italian wife did not exist. 

Wife in film not stick-insect, but instead very healthy (curvy) Helena Bonham-Carter.  Yet another sign?  (Also, she gets to be QUEEN!  Married to Firth, gets to eat chocolates, and QUEEN!  Why is this only in films?)

Hope Urban Family will be up for going to film opening night.  Will need support in case of probable shrieking "Mmm, Mr. Darcy!" when Firth on screen. (Ratio of Firth on screen to Firth not on screen v. high!)

I smell Oscar!  Hope he dedicates award to wet shirt....

Trailer available:  Opens Friday!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Reviewing: Why Men Love Bitches

It's Tuesday, so it must be mean torture.  Today's torturer:

On the whole, I *think* this book intended to be funny, but apparently I'd need another set of eyes to tell for sure.  Certainly page 70 was, but I'm not talking about what was on that page.

From reading this, I think that the author and I have a fundamental disagreement on what constitutes bitchy.  Some of the tips aren't really about being a bitch (boo), they're just about being a strong person.

The basics:
  • Don't be insecure.
  • Don't be too eager.
  • Stay in control.
  • Compliment, but don't overdo it.
  • Be unavailable sometimes.
  • Keep your day-job.
  • Instead of nagging, let actions speak louder than words.
  • Use reverse psychology.  (To quote Michael Scott: Reverse psychology is an awesome tool, I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you can make someone think the opposite of what you believe, and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.)
There you have it.  Doesn't really sound that bitchy to me.  The last one though.  Eek, I think reverse psychology is dangerous.  (Or maybe I'm using it right now to convince you to try it.  Who knows!)

Monday, December 6, 2010

Bridget and Kelly Kapoor from The Office

Kelly Kapoor on The Office, while training the accountants to take customer complaint phone calls, tells them that they can answer with their name or make one up.  One day, she said her name was Bridget Jones, and she talked with an accent for the whole conversation.  Her quote in Bridget voice: "I like ice cream. I need a boyfriend."

As much as I adore Kelly Kapoor, I don't really love the idea that she is influenced by Bridget Jones.  But since she is, I might as well accept it and just list a few of my favorite Kelly Kapoor quotes for fun:

"Just tell him that I'm up for anything, I mean I'm not a slut but who knows...."

"I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's."

"Kobe Bryant has a foundation, and he is so hot. And he gave his wife the biggest diamond ring. I know he didn't do it. Maybe he did it."

(chants) "This day is Bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S.  This day is Bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S."

"I cannot wait to visit Ryan in prison. I'm gonna wear my hottest track suit, and get my hair done, and then be like, "Hi Ryan." And then all the other prisoners are gonna be like, "Damn! Ryan, you got a hot ex-girlfriend. Ooh, I would never have treated her so bad when I was outside of prison."

"If I was you, I would just like freak out, and get really drunk, and then tell someone I was pregnant."

"I swallowed a tape worm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me, and then it eats all of my food so that I don't get fat."

"This is the second time that you've sent me the wrong size. I mean I know what a four should feel like. I've been a four my whole life. You know what? You can go to hell, alright? Thanks for nothing."

"My boyfriend dumped me, so I stole his boat. I mean, he told me it was his boat. It was actually his father's. And I just thought it'd be really romantic, like 'Thelma and Louise,' but with, like, a boat. And it was the worst year of my life. And I can't believe that you guys are making me talk about this on my birthday!"

"I could be the Indian Julia Roberts."

And of course my absolute favorite is found here:

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Re: Jude vs. Rachel

Jude: (noun) As Bridget would say, "best friend. Head of investment at Brightlings Bank, who spends most of her time trapped in the ladies' toilet crying over bleep-wit boyfriend."

Rachel: (noun) My friend in committed, healthy relationship - the only thing keeping her from being on her way to becoming the Cat Lady.  Won't even call her mom to cry about things, she's so strong on her own.

Jude suggests Bridget might need slightly larger breasts and a slightly smaller nose.  She also says she'd fire her for making a harmless mistake like faking a phone call with a professor who turns out to be dead.

Rachel suggests that I could date anyone I wanted and thinks I'm crazy when I self-deprecate.  She also reads everything I write and gives me wonderfully insightful and supportive notes.

Rachel - it's no contest.  You win!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

WWBJD: Freezing Cold

Scenario:  Bridget is stuck in the freezing cold weather of Southern California.  (Mock away, I'm cold.)  She has never needed a winter coat out here before, but now she must face the cold to walk her dog.  (In this scenario, she has a dog. Deal.) 


A) Dial 911.
B) Wrap herself in a fleece blanket, duct-tape the blanket in place, and brave the weather.
C) Assume handsome nice man will be around the bend to wrap her in his coat.  Thus, run outside in a thong, camisole and sneakers. (Yes, sneakers.  They're the only sensible footwear for running.)

I'm going with B.  Although A or C would be nice as well.

Friday, December 3, 2010

A Mini-Break Holiday Doesn't Mean True Love

...At least not for Bridget.  In BJD, she goes out of town with Daniel, which ends the relationship.  In EOR, she goes out of town with Mark, which ends the relationship.  What is it about going on a mini-break with Bridget that spells doom?  And is it universally a relationship killer?  Or is it merely a plot device to raise the stakes, only to be followed by a dramatic fall?  Perhaps the latter.

You learn a lot about a person on a mini-break. 
How organized are they: did someone forget their toothpaste? 
Does that "I just woke up" look really take hours of careful planning?
What are they like when they can't get that granola bar they soooo need to keep their blood sugar level up? 
Really, we spent hundreds of dollars to get here, and now you just want to wing it? 

Ok, so now that everyone knows the struggles of going on a mini-break with me...

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Reflections on Interviewing

Tired of your current job?  Looking to make a change?  Maybe you actually went ahead and stapled things to your slightly senior's head?  Or perhaps your boyfriend/boss decided to marry a stick-insect? 

For anyone out there looking for a new job for the new year, I present to you some tips from Bridget's own interviews:

1)  Always do proper research.
Interviewer, News: What do you think of the El Nino phenomenon? 
Bridget: It's a blip.  I think, basically, Latin Music is on the way out.

2) Relate to the job personally as well as professionally.
Interviewer, Children's TV: Do you have any children of your own?
Bridget:  Oh, Christ, no.  Yuck.

3) When all else fails, be honest.
Richard, Sit-up Britain: So, why do you want to work in Television?
Bridget: I've got to leave my current job because I've shagged my boss.

Then, you too can get a job where no one ever gets sacked for shagging the boss.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

What Bridget would think of Sex and The City

I made it hot pink. 
As I mentioned yesterday, I hate Sex and The City.  No, really, I hate it.  I pretty much think it is the downfall of modern society.  I think there might be a way to link it to everything from AIDs (easy) to the War on Terror (still pretty easy).  If one more person tells me I'm a Miranda or a Charlotte, I'm going to print out different colored T-shirts that say "I'm a Kelley" and wear them like Days-of-the-Week underpants.  When I went to see The Happening, the theater started playing Sex and The City: The Movie by mistake.  I, along with the rest of the audience, booed.  Note:  The Happening was a terrible movie, but it was still better than being trapped in a theater watching SATC.

But who cares what I think.  What would BRIDGET think...that's the Subject line after all.

Bridget lives in London, and she smokes and drinks a lot. She no doubt fancies her Urban Family as an extension of the SATC gal-pal group, and she thinks she's the Carrie of the group.  She would never tell Tom that he's the Samantha or tell Shazzer that she's the Miranda, but she and Jude have discussed how they are Carrie and Charlotte respectively.  Sure, she figures they are all less shallow and heartless, but GIRL POWER, right? 

Wrong.  For a long time, she convinced herself that Daniel was her Mr. Big.  When she throws out all of the self-help books and jams to Chaka Khan, THAT is the moment her eyes are finally cleared.  She tosses all of her SATC gear (including I'm a Carrie T-shirt) into the bin as well.  No more playing the eternal victim.  It's time to choose happiness.  It's time to believe she deserves it.  It's time for Mark Darcy.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Reviewing: Love in 90 Days

We're way beyond sanity now.  We're venturing into an alternate universe.  Dare I say it, we may have entered Venus territory.  Blech.

You know the drill.  Touchy, feely, devote-yourself-to-love, be-open-to-love, avoid-bad-patterns, work-at-it, something's wrong with YOU.  Sigh.  Why did I sign up for this?

Because the only thing sane about these books tends to be the lists, here's Diane Kirschner's list of Deadly Dating Patterns:

1) The Flame Out - You have chemistry, things move fast, and then he disappears.
2) The Fantasy Relationship - A crush (or ex) that drains all of your energy.
3) Crumbs - Unavailable (time-wise) man.  See Mr. Big in Sex and the City.
4) The Hermit - You just don't make the time to be social.
5) I'll Make You Love Me - Working too hard to be what you're not in order to keep him.
6) Abuse Recycle - Remember Sleeping with the Enemy?
7) The Safety Net - Think about dating the personification of your safety-school.
8) Not Perfect / I'll Pass - You project your own insecurities on the guy and dump him/don't pursue him.
9) Chase Me - You're commitment phobic, become distant and hope he'll come after you.
10) Fade Away - You're bored and acting boring on dates, thus not getting called back.
11) Jealousy Trap - You project your own insecurities by acting jealous and fighting.
12) Just Buddies - You're one of the guys, and you don't feel feminine.
13) The Grass is Greener - You never commit for fear there's something better out there.

The only other part of interest was a chapter on Frenemies.  Because Sex and the City was referenced, I'll label these four types of frenemies accordingly.  The Samantha (cynic who doesn't believe 'happy marriage' exists), the Carrie (needy narcissist in crisis who demands all of your time for herself), the Miranda (Debbie Downer who constantly drags you down), the Charlotte (jealous of your success and finds fake flaws in the guy).  Can you tell I hate Sex and the City?

Monday, November 29, 2010

Bridget on Positive Thinking

Sandy's post-op rehab facility,
otherwise known as my living room.
I've said it before, but what I most like about Bridget Jones is her ability to hold her head up while everything falls down around her, including herself falling down a fireman's pole on National TV.  She has a sense of humor about her life, even when she is saying things are the end of the world.  Sure, she fears dying fat and alone, being eaten by wild dogs.  However, at the same time, she can tell a room full of smug marrieds that perhaps the reason there are so many single women in their 30s is because, underneath their clothes, they are covered in scales and that she only wears her bunny suit on very special occasions.

Lately, I confess, I've been thinking things are the end of the world.  I've been really worried about my sweet little dog Sandy: worrying that I'm going to get a call back from the vet telling me she's dying of cancer, worrying that she won't make it out of surgery alive, worrying that if she does make it out of surgery, I won't be able to get the care she needs for recovering.  Worrying, worrying, worrying.  I guess since it's her 2nd time being faced with cancer, and since my mom died of cancer the 2nd time she got it, I've been thinking it's just a reality I'm going to have to accept.  Well, maybe it is, and maybe it's not.  But worrying isn't going to help with any of what lies ahead.

What will help?  Thinking like Bridget, of course.  She has the choice of accepting her permanent state of spinsterhood and being eaten by wild dogs, and she chooses not.  Well, I choose not to accept that my dog will die.  (Funny, dogs playing very different roles in our scenarios.)  And today, instead of throwing out all of my self-help books, drinking vodka, playing Chaka Khan, and falling off the treadmill, I'm going to make my dog's flight reservation for Christmas.  Although vodka and Chaka Khan does sound more appealing.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Re: Auntie Una and Uncle Geoffrey vs. My Aunt and Uncle

Auntie Una is Pamela Jones's partner in crime.  In the book more than in the movie, she really does take on the role of Bridget's surrogate mom by making sure that everything is taken care of for Christmas etc.  They even house Colin when Pamela kicks him out.  Uncle Geoffrey, on the other hand, is a bit of a pervert, pushing Bridget to divulge the secrets of her personal life and even giving her cotton tail a little "bop-bop" at the ex-Tarts-and-Vicars party.

My Aunt Sally is much the same as Auntie Una in that she always knows the right thing to do for parties, respects and upholds traditions, and has stepped in as a surrogate mom now that my mom has gone to that great spa-resort in the sky.  However, my dear Uncle Jimmy is nothing like Uncle Geoffrey.  He's the picture of practicality, takes care of my business affairs in Georgia, and will probably preside over my wedding one day, if I'm lucky enough to ever have one, but only after performing a background check on the dude.

Aunt Sally and Uncle Jimmy, another pair of victors.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

WWBJD: Sale Wars

Scenario:  Bridget is shopping the Black Friday sales, and she finds the most lovely cashmere gloves, marked down 300% (yes, that means they'd pay her back twice the sticker price).  They are the last pair (quel shock).  When she goes in the fitting room, someone picks them up from the pile outside of her dressing room.  (There was a pile because she could only try on 6 items at a time, and she had picked up 27.)

A)  Discovers they are missing, spots the culprit, chases her down the hall, tackles her, grabs the gloves, smacks the woman with the gloves a few times in the face for good measure, and then trots to the cashier to check out.
B) Approaches the culprit, delicately suggests the idea that the gloves were in her pile and therefore belong to her.  When the culprit challenges her, she backs down and sulks.  Guess she'll only get 26 items.
C) Doesn't notice they are missing as the stack of stuff outside was such a heaping pile.

I'm thinking C, which would probably be what I'd do as well.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Reflections on Shopping (in honor of Black Friday)

To my surprise, Bridget is not that much of a shopper.  I wonder if the same can be said for her fan followers.  Ahem.

She doesn't have to have the coolest clothes, and in fact, she often borrows dresses for events.  Clothes are more often than not forced onto her by her mother.  She thinks Bridget "will never get a boyfriend if [she] look[s] like [she's] wandered out of Auschwitz."  In addition to teaching Bridget about what colors she should wear, her mother also instructs her about business attire in the book.  This all leads me to believe that Bridget's lack of clothes shopping has something to do with her relationship with her mother.

Much like Bridget's mom, my mom pushed "fashion" upon me.  When I loosely use the term "fashion," I mean that she wanted very much to dress me as Caroline Kennedy.  "Oh, this red pant suit with a black velvet collar is adorable." She bought that for me when I was 24.  I wish I were kidding.

My mom and her Aunt Betty Jean (yes, I'm southern) would go into Atlanta each Black Friday when my mom was a teenager.  For my mom, it was special to have store-bought clothes instead of outfits she or her mother had sewn.  My mom carried on the tradition by taking me into Atlanta every Black Friday.  The day still give me the shakes.  Crowds swirling, clothes hangers catching on things, knocking things over, hiding under the clothes racks (as a little girl), getting up early to beat the rush, the coupons - ooooh, the coupons, and sitting in traffic on the way home.  

As a result, I'm a die-hard online shopper.  I'm guessing Bridget would be as well.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Bridget's Take on Thanksgiving Day

In the first book, Bridget focuses a lot of her time and energy on how many holiday parties she is not invited to, who is having said parties, and why everyone else but her seems to be invited.  A lot of made-up holidays that we don't celebrate here in the States are celebrated in the UK by gathering friends together for parties.  Maybe there are fireworks (think Fourth of July), maybe there are barbeque feasts on roofs (think Memorial Day or Labor Day).  No matter what, there's drinking.

In addition to that, one of her least favorite things to do is have Daniel come over to her "flat" and watch "football" all weekend.

So, I'm thinking that Bridget would not be down for a day of watching football, surrounded with family, with no precedent for booze being involved.  Food, yes.  Booze, no.  When going around the table saying what you're thankful for, I think she'd be sandwiched between lovey-dovey smug marrieds who were so thankful for "John's promotion" or "little Johnnie getting into the top prep school."  She'd then feel like saying "I'm thankful for cigarettes" and go outside to have a smoke.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

What Bridget would think of The Confessions of Georgia Nicolson

Anyone unfamiliar with the Confessions of Georgia Nicolson book series?  Synopsis:  It's Bridget Jones as a teenager.

Who is this Georgia Nicolson, and what is she doing reliving my childhood?  The Ace Gang?  Try Urban Family.  Shaving off your eyebrow?  Try sliding down a fireman's pole.  Frying your hair off in front of boyfriend?  Try wearing incredible large knickers.  And Georgia, at least you were wrong about your mum having an affair...more than I can say.  Plus, you got a cat.  A very large cat, but a cat nonetheless.

Check out the whole series:

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Reviewing: Have Him at Hello

These books are making me physically ill...but I push through it for you, to spare you the pain of reading it yourself.

In this one, Rachel Greenwald attempts to defend her choice of basically blaming women for everything wrong in the world of dating.  However, the juiciest bit to share with you does just this:  her list of Top Ten Date-breakers.

1) The Boss Lady - being too dominant, not soft, not feminine.
2) The Blahs - nothing special or exciting, "friend" material.
3) The Bait and Switch - the guy feels like the girl has lied or misrepresented herself.
4) The Park Avenue Princess - need I say more?
5) The Closer - interviewing for a sperm donor for her child.
6) The Flasher - too much baggage revealed on the 1st date.
7) The Bitch-in-Boots - passive-aggressive, not kind-hearted.
8) Debbie Downer - complains about everything.
9) The Ex-Factor - talks too much about ex-boyfriend.
10) The One-Way Street - either directs the whole date as an interrogation or is having a monologue with the date as the witness.  In general, self-absorbed.

Now, I'm not saying women don't do these things.  They do.  But Rachel, have you MET men?  They don't do these things too?

So there you have it: everything WE do wrong.  Good night, evil books.  Until next week.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Bridget on Frozen Yogurt

You're remembering correctly.  Bridget really never comes out and says anything about Frozen Yogurt.  In the 1st book, she does, however, go through a Smoothie phase where all she eats are smoothies....lots of smoothies.

Mmm....frozen yogurt.
Well, frozen yogurt is my smoothie.  In theory, they are both healthier alternatives to, you know, food.  Frozen yogurt is one of those things that makes me get up in the morning.  It's my version of Michael Scott's "bacon aroma" in the morning - worth grilling your foot on a George Foreman grill.  I plan my day around my daily trip to the commissary and spend a chunk of time each day pondering what flavors I'll encounter.  I'm pretty sure that it would have to be freezing outside for me to refuse frozen yogurt, and if it were freezing outside, I'd also have to move somewhere I could enjoy frozen yogurt.

Here's the remnants of today's concoction:  red velvet frozen yogurt with a little cinnamon sprinkled on top.  Notice the scratching at the base of the bowl.  I leave nothing behind.  I am a few devolutionary steps away from licking the bowl, but I see it in the future for sure.

But it's healthy, right?  Bridget gets too much of a good thing with her Smoothie phase, and I fear the day when I too have to give up my precious frozen yogurt...mmm.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Re: Perpetua vs. an Un-named Person

Those who know me at all know, without a doubt, who is my version of Perpetua.  That is, who most tempts me to staple things to their head.  So.....let's just say mine wins, hands down, and leave it at that.  Seems fair enough, right?  (Come on, guys.  I'm trying very hard not to trash people in this blog...)
Can you make out the staples?

Saturday, November 20, 2010

WWBJD: Flirting at Karaoke

Scenario:  You're at a karaoke bar, and a v. handsome man has just had the misfortune to discover that he's selected a Phantom of the Opera song that is actually a duet.  Whoops.

A) Tell your friends "no wonder he's single - I knew there had to be a catch."
B) Forgive him his poor song choice, cheer for him, and talk to him at the bar afterwards.
C) Rise from the crowd and greet him on the stage as his Christine, sing the song as intentionally and irritatingly operatic as possible, and leave the stage laughing with each other.

B for Bridget, final answer.

*Note: This has actually happened to me twice, though neither time was the man v. handsome.  The first time, I regretted not doing C.  The second time, I went through with it to the tune of mixed results.  Would have been cooler the first time.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Eating the Entire Contents of Your Fridge...Inevitable

By far my favorite quote from BJD is "At times like this, continuing with one's life seems impossible, and eating the entire contents of one's fridge seems inevitable."  I can't help but think of it when I get sad, and it always makes me smile.  What a funny idea, no?  And yet, there's certainly a hint of truth in it, like in all good comedy. 

It's like when I would get in arguments with my mom growing up. When I was 13, I'd think in my head "other children of divorce would say 'I'm going to go live with Dad' as a threat here, but that's the emptiest threat ever."  Sometimes I'd say it aloud to my mom to let her in on my inner giggle.  It would definitely break the tension and give us something to laugh about together.  Now's as good a time as ever to admit that I have a sick sense of humor.

The simple fact is that I'm sad.  Last night, I stared at the entire contents of my fridge and contemplated eating it all, Bridget-style.  Since I don't really keep anything in my fridge, the contents would have been a wrap of tofu and assorted condiments.  Less than appealing.  I settled for the next best thing, the entire contents of my cupboard.  I had the last couple of honey wheat pretzel braids with nutella and called it a night.

If I had to choose between Bridget's grief (facing work with my ex-boyfriend whom I just discovered was cheating on me and now engaged to the woman he was cheating with) or my grief (getting the news that my dog has a tumor again that has to be removed with surgery before we'll even know what the prognosis is), I think this time I'd choose Bridget's.  After all, hers can be cured with vodka and Chaka Khan.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Reflections on Embarrassing Moments

Would you rather:
A) meet an eligible man while dressed in a carpet from your mother's closet?
B) give a speech with the microphone off, forget your boss's name, and insult the top authors of your time?
C) lose scarf on convertible ride and have Bride of Frankenstein hair in public?
D) show up to a garden party alone in a Playboy Bunny suit?
E) walk into your boyfriend's bathroom to discover he's cheating on you with naked American stick-insect?
F) slide down a fireman's pole on live television, hitting the camera with your bottom?
G) accidentally interrupt a toast at a party by professing feelings for an already taken man?
H) run down your street in the snow with only your sneakers, thong and a tank top on?

If you're Bridget, you don't get to choose just one.  You get all eight in a year!

So, the next time you're embarrassed, just think of Bridget.  Is your one moment of embarrassment really so terrible after all?

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

What Bridget would think of Harry Potter

When grown people started reading these books that were formerly thought to be just for kids, Bridget gave it a shot.  She made it through the first one, but then they started printing them like "real" books.  That is, without double spacing and gigantic font size.  That's when she decidedly became a faker of all things Harry Potter.

"Are you a Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw?"
"Um, I'm a hugh-rahhh-if-findor, that's it!  Gryffindor!"  Phew, close one.

When the movies come out, she goes to see them stealthily so as not to be seen acting surprised by any occurences that she must have "forgotten" from the books.  If caught, she'd offer in her defense that "there's almost no kissing even. What is there to root for?  Right, good against evil and all of that, but what else?  Just 700 pages of schoolwork.  Honestly."

But here, Bridget and I have a HUGE difference of opinion!  And I will be showing my support for all things Harry when HP7: Part 1 comes out on Friday!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Reviewing: If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?

To start off, oy, what have I gotten myself into?  How am I going to read one of these books a week for the rest of the year and stay sane?  Answer:  Is Bridget sane?  Moving on...

This one was very clinical and a bit out of date.  Originally published in 1988, it has been revised to include "the internet" as a new invention, but only in the most minimal ways.  It's truly a "self-help" book in that it was giving tips on looking inside yourself for the answers.  It starts with making a list of all the reasons you think you're single, then over the course of the book, you're taught how to "zap" them and realize they are excuses.

There are 10 strategies listed for this:
1 - Examine your hidden ambivalence.
2 - Ignore the dreaded statistics.
3 - Abandon the myth that there are no good ways to meet people.
4 - Keep your high standards.
5 - Don't get stuck - learn to say no. 
6 - Distinguish between Pseudo-intimacy and the real thing.
7 - Avoid commitment-phobes (Bridget approves!)
8 - Don't try to make anyone love you.
9 - Overcome your own commitment issues.
10 - Increase your self-awareness and self-esteem.

I mentioned how clinical this was, right?  The last thing it suggests is to form a "Make it Happen" self-help group.  Wow.  Is that what Bridget's urban family is?  If you ask me, they are the anti-"Make it Happen" group.  They enjoy each other's misery, since after all, misery does love company.  Not to make them sound like selfish jerks, but they are a tad selfish jerkish.  In the book, when Bridget thinks Tom might be dead, she imagines what the funeral will be like and also thinks it's wonderful that everyone is coming to her for updates as his "closest friend."  Shiver, I hope my friends don't envision those things.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Bridgeting the Gap - Disneyland

Yesterday, I went to Disneyland.  I love Disneyland.  No, really, I LOVE IT.  I'm way too old to love it the way I do, but I just do.  So there.

Kelley, even on her best behavior, manages to have a few close calls on maiming small children and running into baby strollers.  But it's worth it to ride the Indiana Jones ride and shoot Astro Blasters on the Buzz Lightyear ride (which was closed for "beautification," boo).

Bridget, also on her best behavior, would probably have one similar close call, get scared, and ask for someone to escort her to Club 33 where she could have a drink to calm her nerves.

When she finished up drinking (that is, when Club 33 closed), she'd ride Pirates of the Caribbean and sing along with the pirates, point decidedly at Captain Jack Sparrow and swear it was Johnny Depp in the flesh, and then throw up on Space Mountain.  At which point, they'd escort her out.

But not before she got a lot of drunken pictures with Disney characters!  Maybe we're not so very different.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Re: Tom vs. Brian

In college - no wonder
we were friends.
Tom: (noun) Urban Family's honorary male member.  Or as Bridget says, "80's pop icon who only wrote one hit record then retired because he found that one record was quite enough to get him laid for the whole of the 90's. Total poof, of course."

Brian: (noun) My dearest male friend who has been taking all of my drama, dolphin-noises, and elaborate plans in stride for oh, 12 years or so.  He's a doctor (mmm! but not that kind of doctor), and he's agreed to marry me at 40, should we both be single.  But only after we both go for international vacations to try to find green card spouses.  Mr. Moose, his partner-in-crime, was a sounding board for all of my wild ideas in college, and he once came up 8 floors to check behind my shower-curtain for murderers.

The possibility of marriage puts Brian ahead of Tom, sorry Tom.  But if Brian also was a retired pop icon, it would be no contest.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

WWBJD: Driving in Los Angeles

New Saturday Series for '10:  What Would Bridget Jones Do - Scenarios.  I need to live the part, encompassing all things 'Bridget' if I'm really going to be able to reap the benefits next year, so it's time to start thinking up some trial runs.  I'll post my idea of how I think Bridget would respond to certain situations, but please feel free to contradict me in the comments section, whenever you feel like it.

Scenario: A problem I seem to run into quite often is Rude Los Angelenos Drivers. 
You're driving your car, stopped at a light, pulled right up next to intersection, just on the edge of the pedestrian crosswalk.  Cars are coming in the other direction, and you're poised to turn at the first chance you get.  A couple of teenagers walk toward you in the crosswalk.  All of a sudden, the car behind you decides you should have turned right already, and they lay on their horn.  You're thrown and take your foot slightly off the brake before realizing that the car behind you can't see A) the traffic in your way or B) the teenagers.  Now, you're a foot into the crosswalk, and the teenagers walk in front of you.  As they do, they make rude hand gestures toward you, and one of them actually slams his fists down on the hood of your car.

A) Put the car in park, get out of the car, scream at teenagers, and then make rude hand gesture to the impatient driver behind her?
B) Write strongly-worded letter to Los Angeles County Board of Education about the behavior of our city's youth.  Also write down tag number of impatient driver with intention of reporting them for....well, nothing she supposes.
C) Bury her head against the steering wheel and fight back tears.
D) Something else entirely.  (Feel free to comment what that would be.)

I'll go with B, Regis.  Final answer.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Identifying the Daniel Cleaver Type

When I first started this project, I thought "I won't have anyone to compare to Daniel Cleaver" for my Sunday comparison posts. Then, I started re-reading the books...and oh, wait, yes I do!  I'm guessing we all do.  The wonderful thing about this generation is that it's stocked fully with man-children.  For the purposes of this blog, let's call them G for "Guy."

G is the type of guy whom you find charming enough to want to look pretty when he's around, but you know very well that all of his boyish smiles are going to lead to nothing.  G can convince himself that you're not in a relationship even after a mini-break holiday.  Or a few mini-break holidays.  Or forget the mini - a looooong break holiday.  G sometimes can play the perfect boyfriend in front of your friends, parents, etc.  He might be thoughtful and remember your favorite things - restaurants, foods, drinks, movies, bands, books, etc.  On some level, he probably wants to be the perfect man: the marrying, mortgage-owing, father-of-three, garbage-taker-outer man.  But for whatever reason (I blame today's society), he is unable to move forward into adulthood.  On his 30th birthday, he might wake up depressed, realizing how far he is from being that Man.

The reality about G is that he will be the perfect man for someone down the road.  One day, a very patient and deserving young woman may inspire him to leave his G-ways behind and step into a responsible, healthy relationship.  It happened to Sally Albright.  It happened to Bridget Jones (for a minute at least).  It might even happen to you.  And if/when it does, it's not your fault.  It's just life.  Maybe Harry and Mark were Gs to some other woman, just like Joe and Daniel were Gs to Sally and Bridget.

I have a theory that some Gs just can't wrap their heads around all of the mistakes they have made in a relationship.  They think they have to start fresh with someone new when they finally feel capable of being the Man instead of the Guy.  In that case, it really is not you, it's them.

But please do yourself a favor:  ACCEPT that you're not the girl who is going to make G into a Man and move on.  It's the only way to be free for Mark to step into your life.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Reflections on The Other Women

In BJD, Bridget is confronted with two "other women" whom she finds threatening because they are everything she thinks she needs to be to win a man:  namely thinner.  But also more intellectual, confident, taller, leggier, stick-insect-esque.

Exhibit A: Lara (Suki from the book) - Daniel Cleaver's brief fiance, who says "I thought you said she was thin" to Daniel upon being caught by Bridget, naked in the bathroom.  She is something different according to Daniel, "being American...something to do with confidence."

Exhibit B: Natasha - Mark Darcy's hoighty-toighty work-colleague/girlfriend, who asks "not wearing your bunny-girl suit" to Bridget at the horrid Smug Married party.

Somehow despite not becoming thinner, more intellectual, taller, leggier or stick-insect-esque, Bridget still manages to win both Mark Darcy away from Natasha and Daniel Cleaver away from Lara.  So the lesson is? 

Note: I left "confident" out of her list of failings.  Once Bridget tells Daniel that she'd rather have a job wiping Saddam Hussein's nether-regions, she's a much more confident version of herself.  After that, sure, she slides down a fireman's pole and displays her bottom the size of Brazil to all of Sit-up Britain's viewers, but she still manages to face life with a smile and not back down from Cosmo or even Mark Darcy's own grilling.  It's that confidence that wins her both men in the end.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

What Bridget would think of Glee

...would go a little like this:

Oy, that Matt Morrison is v. hot.  Am total perv for v. bad thoughts about Finn.  Further proof that men go for crazy girls in form of stick insects.  Note to self: must download album and practice for Christmas party karaoke.  Have sneaking suspicion am genius singer and will impress Daniel.

...whereas I would think more like this:

Mmm, Matt Morrison.  Why weren't you my honor choir teacher?  Everyone else, I'm tired of you.  Please stop.  Could we have more episodes like the Britney one where everything's a dream, so it makes sense to have professionally recorded and choreographed routines?  And if you touch on the subject of religion again, I am taking you off my DVR list...wait, I already did that.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Reviewing: Become Your Own Matchmaker

For anyone who has seen Patti's show, it should come as no surprise that Patti is most interested in matching rich men with perfect women....not the other way around.  But this book is very specifically tailored toward a female audience.  The tone is irreverent and funny, but I'm told that a lot of the rude comments that I thought were jokes....were not.  So I leave it for you to decide.

The bullet points:
(1) Get over past relationships thoroughly.  Cleanse your palate and actually refuse dates for a period of up to 3 months while you're focusing on what you want in a relationship.  (I love this part - but could 3 months be 3 years?  I would like that even better.)
(2) Determine your 5 non-negotiables, and, you know, don't negotiate them.
(3) Lastly, she has a LOT of rules about how to date. 
--Manipulate him into going out on the weekend.  (Um, what if I don't care?  And what if I'm not a manipulative witch?)
--Never meet for coffee. (Apparently, it's an audition, not a date.)
--Get a ring in 6 months, or you're outta there.  (Wow...)
There are tons of other things like don't move in without a ring, don't be intimate without marriage on the table, manipulate him, manipulate him, manipulate him....sheesh.  No wonder she's still single.

So, this book is definitely not for everyone....and definitely not for me.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Bridget on the Scale

"Obviously will lose 20 pounds; number two..."

I'm re-reading Bridget Jones's Diary (shocking, I know), and I came to the part where she actually crosses the threshold that she's dreamt of for 18 years, 119 lbs.  Her friends immediately make her self-conscious about it, implying that she looks tired and has lost most of it in her cup-size.  She resolves to eat 8,000 calories a day and not weigh herself so as to resume more natural shape.  She succeeds!  Now, that's what I call good goal-setting.

I completely know what her friends are thinking.  She probably suffered from the "bobble-head" effect.  That's what I refer to as the effect of losing weight so quickly that your face can't catch up.  If you've ever been around girls with eating disorders (translation: if you went to college), you probably have noticed the bobble-head effect firsthand.

Having lost a fair amount of weight over the last year, re-reading this part made me terribly self-conscious as well.  What are my friends not telling me?  Do I look like a bobble-head?  Chest deflated?  Tired, haggardly?  I think I'll go have a chocolate chip cookie, just in case.  After all, WWBJD?

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Re: Colin Jones vs. Jeff

"It doesn't help that you and Bridget have your lovely grown-up club of two."

Another similarity between me and Miz Jones: A great relationship with our father-figures.  Mine isn't quite as easy to explain relationship-wise, but what does blood matter really?

My relationship with Jeff began when he started dating my mom back in the 4th grade.  He was the one who told my mom that I should be allowed to do things like ride in the front seat, order food for myself, speak.  He has been teaching me how to play tennis for going on 21 years now, and we've been making Seinfeld references for about as long.  (My mom didn't think it was nearly as funny - probably because she didn't get it.) 

When my mom would complain about how many DVDs I was buying (with my own money!), he would remind her that I wasn't addicted to drugs or having illegitimate children.  Perhaps a daughter who owns a few too many DVDs and supports herself isn't the end of the world.

Grown-up club of two.  Check.