Thursday, April 28, 2011

Bridget on Hockey

At work, overhearing talk about hockey games... (PS - didn't we all vow to stop caring about hockey when we lost to Canada in the Winter Olympics last year?)

"How about that game?"
"A real nail-biter."
"How about that [player I can't remember]?"
"Yeah, he used to be our closer."

At some point around this time, they notice me - silent in the corner of the room.

"Kelley, are you into hockey?"  (Sarcasm noted)
Me:  "Oh absolutely.  You know, with the hip checks and the three periods and, I'm not into hockey."

They do know that hockey players lose their teeth to stray pucks and that girls like boys to have ALL of their teeth when they smile at us sheepishly, right?

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

10 Year Anniversary of Bridget Jones's Diary! (Movie)

I must make you all aware that you've been thinking about Daniel Cleaver asking Mark Darcy if he should 'bring his dueling pistol or his sword' outside, Bridget sliding down a fireman's pole on national television (good thing it's a rather small country), Bridget's enormous panties/short skirt/see-thru blouse, and lastly Bridget's bunny suit (Bop-bop!) for TEN YEARS! 

How is that possible, you ask?  How could it possibly be only ten years that you've had those images in your head?  It's like trying to figure out what we did before the internet.  Or how we survived without cell phones.  It's impossible to figure out, and we just have to praise our respective deities for saving us from our lives before Bridget.

So, before the end of the month, PLEASE celebrate 10 Years of Bridget Jones by doing something that only Bridget Jones, "wanton sex goddess with a very bad man between her thighs," would do!  I expect the stories of your adventures in the comments section!  Either that, or your favorite Bridget Quote...

A few of my favorite Bridget Quotes:
(1) At times like this, continuing with one's life seems impossible, and eating the entire contents of one's fridge seems inevitable.
(2) Obviously will lose 20 pounds, number two...
(3) Will not be defeated by a bad man and an American stick-insect. This time I choose vodka, and Chaka Khan.
(4) The only thing worse than smug married couple: lots of smug married couples.
(5) Wait a minute. Nice men don't kiss like that.

A few of my favorite non-Bridget Quotes:
(1) Outside?  Should I bring my dueling pistol or my sword? (Clearly...)
(2) Just as you are? Not thinner? Not cleverer? Not with slightly bigger breasts or a slightly smaller nose?
(3) FIGHT. Come on, it's a real fight.
(4) There's nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm wearing something quite similar myself.  Here, let me show you...
(5) Bridget works in publishing and used to run around naked in my paddling pool.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Bridget on the 5 Stages

Weight:  x+15....sigh.

Have come to realize that I've entered the 5 stage of Being Fat.

Denial:  Am not fat.  Am big boned.  Also, jeans have shrunk in the wash.  Am not going to have to buy new clothes and/or wear fat jeans.  Just need to add hour into daily schedule to properly "stretch" jeans prior to wearing them out in public.

Anger: How dare doctor say I need to lose weight!  Maybe if weren't in LA where everyone is supposed to be a stick-insect, would not be considered obese.  Doctor needs to take a look in the mirror!

Bargaining:  Ok, let's be reasonable here.  If I do a few lunges, maybe a couple crunches here and there, and promise not to eat ice cream sandwiches anymore, I should still be able to eat nutella with pretzels as dinner one night a week.  That's fair, right?

Depression:  Ugh.  No one will ever love me.  Might as well embrace it and dive into Party-sized Pretzel M&M bag. 

Acceptance:  Whoever said 'nothing tastes as good as being thin feels' must be allergic to chocolate.  Chocolate will never let me down.  Bring on the fat jeans.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Bridget off the wagon

As a result of lots of wanting to stab people, I thought it might be smart to go back to my original plan and ask myself WWBJD.  Turns out, Bridget would turn to the bottle for comfort.  That and Chaka Khan.  Texted friend "Hey, you like to drink, right?"  Answer was affirmative.

First (and last) drink choice:  Margarita.  Very, very nice.  And none of that "skinny girl margarita."  What the heck is the point?  If I wanted something with no calories, I'd drink water, thank you.  After so long, no one will be surprised to hear that one drink was enough to knock me over.  I continued licking the salt off the rim past the point of there being any left.

*Math nerd moment - Last drink was over a year ago on birthday, which is the fifteenth day of the first month. Went exactly 15 months and 1 day.  Reciprocal relationship with sobriety...I'm not going to read into that.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Weight: x+16.  Wowza.  Current goal is to enter weekend back at square one.  Square one being x+15.  I think that sounds fair.

Ugh, why do I always want to stab people with my heels?  I'm wearing my cross necklace today which usually calms me down.  Rubbing it today has effectively led to no homicides...yet.  I'm thinking of shutting my door to the rude jerk that makes me want to stab him.  It's totally ok in a work environment to say "hey, you can call me, email me, IM me, but you CANNOT come down and stand in my personal space yelling at me while eating a bagel I BOUGHT," am I right?  I think I'm right.

In other news, did flirt, and it amounted to us both saying "you're cute" "you're cuter..."  Progress, I think.  No mention of non-existent skirt being off sick.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Bridget on Working Late

Weight:  Oh, give me a break already.  Can't a girl eat?  What am I supposed to do?  Eat healthier things than going-away cake and whatever snacks happen to be lying around the office?  Oh, right.  Supposed to do those things.  Does sound reasonable...hmm.

8pm on a Tuesday....was supposed to be at free screening of comedy movie, but instead, at work.  Remembering how just two short weeks ago, was at work all hours of the day and night.  One significant difference:  Stephanie and Johnny Mac fed me there.  I miss them!  Where's my Chick-fil-a sandwich?  I need my extra-hot mocha!

In other news, attempted very lame flirting technique (that is, not really flirting at all) that proved completely ineffectual.  Am not talented in the ways of flirtation.  I can only master being friendly.  Oy, must channel inner-Bridget.

Extra hot mocha reference...

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Bridget Over-Analyzes

Just realized Set Crush was revealed on April Fool's Day.  Am I an April Fool?  Hmm.  Bridget would agree, there is room to doubt.  Let's think about it daily for the next 3 months and go back and forth between decisions, never accomplishing anything.

In other news, freedom of not weighing in gave me the confidence to fully eat my feelings today!  Hooray!  Thank you, Disney commissary, for having Haagen Daz mini-cups of one of my favorite flavors - Caramel Cone.  I mean, had they been quarts, I would have eaten that too, but mini-cups...that hit the spot.  Will stop eating my hair now.

I think Bridget says it best: "At times like this, continuing with one's life seems impossible, and eating the entire contents of one's fridge seems inevitable."

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Bridget on the "Set Crush"

Weight:  x+17.  Thanks to bringing Porto's Pastries to the office Monday to welcome new neighbors I had never met.  Mistake.  They didn't show up, and with the help of the whopping TWO office-mates, we pretty much ate for TEN.

I've already talked a little about my experiences on the set of "X TV Show."  My official role on the set was the often overlooked role of "Head of Guest Services" as well as "Chief Twitterer."  In other words, I had no real responsibility.  Which left me PLENTY of time to chat with everyone, learn all 147 people's names, remember who had a twin sister, who won last year's fantasy football league, who likes white mochas vs. vanilla lattes, learn a new game that you can NOT be me at, research who was the prankster putting sandbags in someone's bag, break up a fight, and in all other ways "be social." 

Amid all of this "being social," I discovered a bit of male attention which is quite unusual for little me who barely interacts with humans.  Apparently, there's something called a "set crush," and on the last day on set, I was told point blank I was the subject of one.  I might be glorifying it a tad by comparing it to the "just a girl, standing in front of a boy" scene in Notting Hill.  Or better yet, the end of the dinner scene "I like you, just the way you are" in BJD.  But still, when was the last time that someone simply said "I like you?"  At our age, it's more like "if you ask me how I feel, I'll make a joke out of it to protect myself."

So, I ask you, universe, how is that fair?  Now I'm back in LA, and I'm sure the next male attraction I receive will be from a dog trying to mount my pup.  (She's quite popular at the dog park.)

Monday, April 4, 2011

Bridget on Saying Goodbye

Weight:  x+16 = still considering it an accomplishment not to have gained more....

So, I survived until April!  Hooray!  But I had no idea how much I was going to miss all of the folks who've been with me for the last month that I term "hell-month." 

We wrapped our shoot on Friday around 10pm.  I struggled for a good half-hour, thinking up things I needed to do that were NOT "pack my bag and leave."  I didn't want to go!  It was 10pm on a Friday night, and I did not for the life of me want to get into my car and drive away from work.  I missed everyone before I even left.  I missed long hours, I missed unhealthy food (and sometimes uncooked food).  I just missed it all.  Every day since 1/14/11, what I've really missed most is sleep.  But since 4/1/11, all I've missed is the 147 people who made my experience so fulfilling. 

In summary, I kind of want to move back to Georgia.  But only kind of.  This too shall pass.