Capturing your own Humanity

Weight:  x+14, but reinstating "eating" in daily routine was still the right choice.

Remember Inception?  (Spoiler Alert)
Remember how they used their totem to test and see if they were in the real world or the dream world?

I was thinking about that today and realizing that while I don't enter an induced dream world that might be confused with reality, opening up the possibility of being stuck in limbo forever and ever, I do have certain things that I do daily that remind me of my humanity.  And on days that I don't do them, I feel a little off.

I'd be shocked to hear what any of you do and/or if you'd be able to guess what mine are.  I'll give you one just because....

On Saturdays and Sunday mornings, I take Sandy for a leisurely walk through the Kling/Sarah St. circle.  On the way back, we stop by Starbucks if we (and I do mean we) have been good that week.  I enjoy my Iced Chai Latte, and she enjoys her...um....cake.  Shut up, vet.

What do you do that makes you feel like a person instead of an android?

Bridget on a v. v. Not Good Day

Weight:  x+13, silver lining.

Yesterday was a v. v. not good day.  I was left with a desire to research anti-depressants and "cutting" which seems to be all the rage, but then I thought of Bridget.  WWBJD?

After waking up from a night of too much vodka and Chaka Khan, Bridget would probably look around her and find something to laugh about.  So that's what I did.  But what I found was less laugh-worthy and more inspirational.

As I tried to dry my tears and go to sleep, I thought about the people that did or at the very least tried to make my day better.  I thought about Carlos in the commissary who said with a wink that he gave me extra chicken in my chicken salad.  (No, of course I was not eating chicken salad, friends.)

Carlos's life is harder than mine, plain and simple.  And he still had the thoughtfulness, the kindness, the cheerfulness, and the HUMANITY to try to do something nice for me.  Me.  Just some girl with an iPhone in one hand and a pair of ridiculously over-priced shoes that I may or may not be able to walk in.  Really?  I'm the one that's pitiable?  I'm the one that is saying "woe is me?" 

Then, I thought about Caroline.  Caroline who worked her butt off for months and was finally able to catch her breath, but instead, jumped right in and helped me.  I cannot give Caroline enough hugs.

Then, I thought about Erika.  Erika who continues to make my life bearable.  Erika who is working long hours in a job she never signed up for in the hopes that it will lead to a job she might be able to stand....in the hopes that job will lead to the one she really wants.  I thought about how much I have to learn from Erika.

Then, I thought about Jon.  Jon who has one foot out the door but kept asking me what I needed.

Then, I thought about Howard and AJ.  Two people who really took one on the chin and came in with smiles on their faces today.  I have a lot to learn from Howard and AJ.

Then, I started thinking bigger and realizing that as sweet as my mailman is, I don't know his name.  And as much as I owe my life to the cleaning person at our office, I don't even know their gender.

So, I can choose to sit here crying, or I can use my precious time here on planet Earth to make Carlos's life better.  To make sure that Caroline, Erika, and Jon know how much I appreciate them.  To learn from Howard and AJ.  And to freaking learn my mailman's name and ask someone who the heck cleans my office.

And what's more, I can use my precious time here on planet Earth to BE the Carlos to every person I come in contact with on what might be their very own v. v. not good day.

Weight: x+16, exercise plan already failed, but did get in early to work despite lack of exercise.

I love my job, I love my job. I Love My Job.  ~New Mantra

Wore new shoes to work.  Saw about 20 women, and about half commented on them.  Wow, weird women's world!  I'm not used to this...I really never expected people to notice my footwear.  I honestly didn't think half of the women I saw at work even really saw me.

Have theory that they only noticed because I was basically limping.

Weight: x+16, did not lose 5 pounds through exercise.  Oh well...

I know I'm late to the game, but I just discovered Apple TV and Netflix streaming.....I may cancel cable.  I watched two movies back to back on Netflix and then actually left the house to see Burlesque at the Dollar Theater with Kelly.  Made me want to sing and dance and be thin.  Unfortunately, sitting in the movie theater seat burned almost no calories.

In light of wanting to sing and dance and be thin, am implementing new exercise plan that requires waking up early.  I think this may set a new record for rate of failure.  As in it will never even start.

Weight: x+16, but I ran after weighing in, so that means I probably lost 5 pounds, right?  That's how exercise works, ladies and gentlemen.

I find it ironic that while I did run today, I also started the day by almost being run over.  By runners.  Team in Training, thanks for that.  Sandy and I enjoyed almost being trampled.  Must convince Sandy to listen to me when I say "come" instead of continuing to sniff with the leash extended across the sidewalk like a Three Stooges prank.

In other news, I'm not sure which show I quote more nowadays - Seinfeld or The Office.  Note:  The "good years" of The Office.

Weight:  x+16.4 still, Pizza Hut always yields left-overs.  One bad decision that lasts for days....

Have been inducted into some sort of "shoe club."  So far, from wearing my new shoes, I've had people stop me and tell me about how "Saks is having a sale" and asked me "do I bluefly?"  Odd.  Was also told heart-wrenching story about how a woman started crying when they were sold out of her size at said Saks sale. 

Have theory that women who don't have husbands, children, or pets anthropomorphize their shoes.  Since I have one on the list (pet), this would mean I wouldn't necessarily anthropomorphize my shoes.  (Math major classes not wasted - drawing Venn diagram...If/then, If and only if, etc.)  I do happen to anthropomorphize my shoes, as I do my wasted staples, the containers of my frozen foods, and trash in general.  Toy Story 3 did not help matters. 

In other news, have noticed that most of you readers read my blog at 11pm.  So, does this mean you watch primetime TV and then switch over to my blog when the boring old local news comes on?  Another working theory.

Quickly devolving into a Shoe Blog...

Weight: x+16.4...yeah, ok, so much for the treats being gone.  See below.

I may have mentioned I've been working a lot.  Not complaining, I love my job, and what I'm working on THRILLS me.  When I eventually DO go home, I keep working just cuz.  But I have to say, I'm a touch tired.  And that's what led to last night's breaking of another resolution.

I had caffeine after 2pm.  I justified it by saying "but I'm going to run tonight, so it's fine.  The caffeine won't affect my sleep."  But then I got off work around 8, I was still taking home work to do there, and Pizza Hut won.  I never let Pizza Hut win.  This was monumental.  (Never meaning only once every other month or so.)

Happy feet indeed.

So in summary, instead of running for 2 hours, I ate pizza in front of my laptop.  I find that ironic.

And re: Shoes.  My day is throwing me some punches, but these are definitely keeping me happy.  I love them.  Love them, love them, love them.

(Brian, does this reverse the trauma of yesterday?)

Weight:  x+16.  See, it didn't go up any!  That's because of the treats being gone.  Thank goodness...

New devil though:  "Party Size" Pretzel M&Ms.  I misinterpreted the label to mean "fun size" as in "snack size" as in little mini-bags that would make the perfect portion for a snack.  Instead it's one big bag of pretzel M&Ms that I eat by the handful.  My friend suggested I leave them in the kitchen so I have to get up to get them.  That worked.  I got up to get them...and never sat back down.  TVs rotate, and counter-tops are comfy.  Mmm, pretzel M&Ms...

Warning: Gross.

In other news, I decided to wear a really old pair of shoes today to convince myself that I don't need new shoes - I just need to wear the ones I already have.  This is what I got.  I am not convinced.

Please let all shoe sites crash as soon as I sign onto them....do not let me take this out on my credit card!

I dedicate this post to Brian, who has a foot fetish.  This is the cure.

On Aging

Weight: x+16,  but birthday treats 100% consumed.  Back on track starting tomorrow!

Note to readers under 30:  You will not spontaneously combust at age 30....however, you will continue to slowly deconstruct.  Take it in stride.  By the time it's really bad, you won't have enough brain cells left to notice.

When I turned 30, I decided I was instantly smarter than all of those poor little 29-year-olds who thought they were smart.  "Oh, little 29-year-old, let me school you in the ways of the world" was a common response from me.  Then, I would tell them all about what happened on last night's Office episode. Or something equally "30s."

However, the downside was that going to the doctor became a series of poking/prodding and test-running that was entirely new and unpleasant!  No longer was my doctor answering my complaints of "ankle soreness" with "take some Ibuprofen" and "use a heating pad."  No, no, we needed ultrasounds, MRIs and mammograms....ok, the mammogram was not for a sore ankle, but you get my point.

Now, I literally just aged a year (overnight, that's how it works, no?), and my knees are killing me!  No!  Is this the new thing for the year?  Next year, will I need a hip-replacement?  What's next, age?  Huh?

Huh?

......no, really.  What were we talking about again?

Weight:  x+15.  2 cookies, 2 muffins, and 2 brownies left.  Let's face it: a day in which I don't GAIN weight is an achievement right now.  Plan on taking remaining goodies to work tomorrow.  I can defeat the gigantic hot-air balloon basket of cookies!

Most depressing part of birthdate: I have to tell my scale I'm a year older. Why does it need to know my age, sex and height? If I say I'm 22, will it tell me I weigh less? If I tell it I'm 6', will it say I have 0% body fat? What combo would I need to put in for it to say "EAT SOMETHING!!!" I want to put in that combo, stat please!

So much for the DL

Weight: x+15. Lesson learned: miracles expire.   Could have something to do with this...

Had most perfect morning: Started by sleeping till 9 (amazing!), walking dog, getting free Starbucks, wearing short-sleeves, bumping into nice neighbor, and going to see a morning movie!  Probably should have gone to church, but oh well.

And in the afternoon, played first video game since Nintendo first came out.  Raises the question again:  did I turn 3 or 30-something?

Wonderful weekend so far.  Perfectly wonderful.  And better yet, one more day of weekend to go!

Weight: x+13, meh.

If I were Bridget right now, I'd be fixing blue soup for Urban Family.  But I'm not.  (I am, however, planning a Bridget birthday dinner party on Bridget's birthday in November.)

However, I have decided to eat like a 3-year-old instead of a newly turned 30-something-year-old: soft pretzel for breakfast at the movies, yummy sandwich with fresh mozzarella for lunch, and an afternoon treat of a million cookies.  What will be for dinner?  Mac & cheese?  Ice cream?

Tune in tomorrow to find out!

In the tradition of rewriting songs, here's today's inspiration:
Happy Birthday to me, it's Jan-u-ar-y -
I'm wearing a sweater, and the temp's 83!
~It's really hot...

Weight: x+13.  Birthday miracle?  Apparently, "work" can be a good diet after all.

Breaking news: Jeff sent roses to work.
NOW what should I do?

Michael's Birthday was one of last night's The Office episodes.  Seems like perfect timing.  Especially as I'm feeling quite conflicted about whether I want people at work to know my birthday is coming or not.  It didn't work out too well for Michael.  Perhaps I should stick with my gut and keep it on the DL. You know, except for the fact that I'm freaking blogging about it.  Except for that...

Faithful readers know that I adore my sweet little Sandy bear, but Sandy is feeling very neglected because of the long work hours of late.  Here's hoping that means she'll be extra cuddly over the weekend!

In other news: our TV pilot was picked up!  Work not done in vain!

Weight: Ugh.  Yes, that's verbatim from the scale.

Things I should have given up:
Milano cookies
ORDERING Milano cookies for the office (I COULD JUST NOT ORDER THEM!!!)
Granola bars
ORDERING Granola bars
Baked Chips/Doritos/Cheetos
ORDERING them all
....you get where this is going.
Lastly, eating all of these things on late nights in the office in lieu of "dinner."

Will gladly bring in some microwaveable meals and break that resolution (to only eat 1 microwaved meal a day) if it would stop this epidemic.

 (Was going home on time a resolution?  No?  Why not???)

Weight: x+15...new birthday goal time?  x+13.  That's still a half-a-pound-a-day, but it just isn't going to be as many days....which is ok.  Maybe birthday can be postponed.

Dear Network Execs,
If you don't want to hear your own hold music that advertises your own shows and your own recording artists, neither does anyone else. Please stop having Hannah Montana hold music and subjecting us all to You Get the Best of Both Worlds.  DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT INSTEAD OF BELLY-ACHING TO ME WHEN I PUT YOU ON HOLD!

Sincerely,
Me

PS - Or don't complain when you come back from a long hold and hear me singing "you get the limo out front - hottest styles, every shoe, every color...err...hi."

Weight: x+15.6....if I were still doing the half-a-pound-a-day pre-birthday plan, this would be good news!

Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  In which case, I am certifiable. 

Think about it: 
When your car doesn't crank in the morning, do you crank it a few more times just in case? 
When you eat the same things, do you expect to lose weight? 
When you get up at the same time, do you expect to make it to work on time for a change? 
When you have the same expenses, do you expect to somehow save money? 

Surely, no one is passing the sanity test at this point.  Least of all Bridget, and right before Bridget comes me. 

Problem is, sometimes you do get your car to start on the 2nd crank, you do lose weight eating the same things, you do get to work on time by the luck of no traffic, and you somehow find more money hidden in a couch cushion and add it to your savings. 

So are we insane, or is the world?

Weight: x+16.  Must rationalize that this proves that my goal to "eat my feelings of failure" yesterday was successful!

Thanks to Rachel's encouragement, I'm going to give up on not complaining!  BUT I am going to try only to complain in funny ways.  That's the one thing I learned from this - a lot of my humorous stories start out sounding like complaints.  That's because people are ridiculous.  And while one *could* complain about how ridiculous they are, I much prefer laughing about it.  Or at the very least smirking.

It's January 10th, and I've broken how many resolutions?  I am definitely on the Bridget path.

Christmas Presents from Friends

Weight: x+14, although did not run 5,000 miles.  But did not eat pizza or pretzel M&Ms!  (The real culprits.)

Have noticed friends think I'm obsessed with Jane Austen.  Hmm.  I have no idea how they got that idea.  (Tucking Jane Austen mousepad away now.)

Watched horrendously depressing movie yesterday about how even when you are lucky enough to find love, you're still more than likely going to lose it.  Ok, perhaps that's not exactly what it was about, but it's what I got from it.  Won't say title so as not to spoil it for others.

Let's be honest - have not kept the resolution about 60 crunches and 40 leg-lifts for every time I consume food.  I kept thinking I might be able to catch up, but at this point, it doesn't seem likely.  My plan is to give up on "not complaining" next.  I have certainly complained so far, but I preface it with "I'm trying not to complain, but..."  I think that's becoming more annoying than just flat out complaining.  So there you go, world.  Two more resolutions knocked off the list.  Time to go eat my feelings of failure.

Weight: x+14.8...back to Square 1.2.  Could have something to do with pizza and pretzel M&Ms.  But that's ok.  I'm going to run 5,000 miles today, so birthday goal is still in range!

Have three-pronged approach to tackling gross lack of shoes I apparently "need:"
(1) Am drafting letter to shoe brand suggesting they start charity to supply shoes to women who need them. Is website name jimmychoosforall.org available?
(2) Contact celebs and ask them to donate shoes to those in need, for example me.
(3) Start personal fundraising effort - much like when I did Avon Walk for Breast Cancer - where friends can pledge money to my personal site:  jimmychoosforall.org/kelleyneedsshoes.html.

I have grand pictures in my head of women in burqas being handed Jimmy Choo shoe boxes by New York highly tailored, high-maintenance women on their charity outreach program.  The reception is perhaps a little underwhelming.  But when they realize that they NEED these shoes, I'm sure they will start weeping with joy.  You just won't be able to see it.  Because of the hijab.

Weight: x+13.6 (that's close to a half pound!  hooray!)

Found perfect Jane Austen book to read as part of resolution only to read one Jane Austen book this year. Loop-hole!

One new broken resolution: Did walk dog outside in pajamas.  Believe new neighbor thought I was homeless as pajamas were paired with a leather jacket, cap, and slip-on sandals.  It was after midnight though.  Fellow dog-walkers out at that hour should not be judging my fashion choices!  Time to reinstate resolution and work harder at it.  Do not want cops called, should I accidentally set off my own car alarm.

In other news, new shoes should be delivered today...but have just read something that makes me alarmed thinking maybe I have bought the wrong pair.  Description for different kind: "Probably the most iconic shoes of our time, it goes without saying that every woman needs a pair."  Really, it goes without saying?  Every woman needs a pair?  Even the ones who don't wear shoes?  What about the ones who don't have food to eat?  Hmm.

Weight: x+14....must lose 1/2 pound a day for next 10 days in order to be goal weight on birthday.  Possible?  Note: birthday goal is not x.  Yes, I can do math.

Looked up meaning of recurring lost-shoe dream.  Eek.  Means that I've lost my way.  I guess the fact that everyone is telling me I can't get home until I find my way does make more sense than until I find my "shoes."  But then, I think I can do without my shoes/way, so does that mean I'm happy wandering aimlessly through life?  Dreams...  Also read that if you wear out your shoes at the heels (as I always do), you make "wise deals."  Should I become a stock broker?

In other news, I bought a ridiculously nice pair of shoes.  I should get them Friday and may very well return them on Saturday for a full refund.  Do I really want to be this shoe-girl?  I remember quite vividly calling my mom from a store in Boston when I was making hard (and I do mean hard) earned money of my own, and asking her if she thought it was ok if I bought an $80 purse.  I hope she was laughing when I hung up.  Or else, her ashes are now doing somersaults of rage.

Weight: x+14, store sold out of yogurt pretzels....yeesh.  Must find new diet plan.

Amazingly have managed not to break any additional new year's resolutions.  Keep me honest, world.

I want to buy myself a ridiculously nice pair of shoes for a birthday present to myself.  I've begun a tradition of buying something that I'll use forever and keep nice, so that I can pass it down to my non-existent daughter the way my mother did with me.  The trick is to pick something that you will be able to use forever - ie not clothes that go out of fashion or stop fitting when you inevitably get fat.  Classic shoes, classic handbags, jewelry/watches.  These are the things you pass on to non-existent children.

Unfortunately, I've had nightmares for years that I am stuck somewhere shoeless and can't get home because everyone is saying "where are your shoes - you can't come here/do that/walk there without your shoes!"  If I buy a really nice pair, will the dreams prove to be a prophecy?  Will someone steal them and leave me shoeless and struggling to get home? 

In the dreams, I never understand why it's such a big deal that I'm not wearing shoes, but it is in dreamworld.  At home in GA, I would happily go a day without shoes on, walking barefoot outside on gravel even.  But in Los Angeles, apparently it's like being a leper.  If only I could have a Pretty Woman ending to the dream...I'd come back to the people who rejected me, hands full of shoeboxes, saying "you work on commission, right?  Big mistake.  Huge!"

Weight: x+14, must buy more yogurt-covered pretzels stat.  Will break through this!

Broke a few more resolutions: see "take myself too seriously, remember what's really important, etc." I did accidentally start a curse word at "work" today.  I wasn't at work, but was having to do work....which is reason to curse alone, I think.  Was actually re: timely, detailed, mis-distributed info via 3rd party that would need to be redistributed correctly by me 10 minutes prior...which is pretty much impossible. My dog can vouch that I ended the word with -mble instead of -ck. Baby steps.

As for vegetables, do sweet potato fries count?  What if I dipped them in a tomato by-product....like say ketchup?  Step up from cereal, I think.

In other news...on the 3rd day of New Year's, my cars did ask of me -
3 new car batteries,
2 fixed flat tires,
and a thwarted car-wash for Chloe (my 'stang)

Weight: x+14.  Apparently, getting off the yogurt-covered pretzel diet has stalled my efforts.

Broke no new resolutions: Am most proud that I have been in some really horrendous LA traffic and still managed not to curse.  Also managed not to curse at lady whose loose dog attacked my leashed dog.  Broke up fight, and Sandy and I have no severe scratches.  A pretty good day.

Weight: x+14

Have just lost a pound by eating only yogurt covered pretzels. A step up from nutella. New diet plan? Maybe will publish book for followers.  Note:  I should really donate my body to science when I die to find out if I'm a part of some form of evolution.  Well, I guess *I* wouldn't find out so much, but would help mankind.  Greater good and all that.

Must pat myself on back for not arguing with neighbors on HOA message board for parking illegally in visitor space.  Real struggle as they were actually parking in the visitor spot that I like to use illegally.

Have only broken 2 resolutions:  not biting nails and taking vitamins.  Another 28 to break before the year is out!

New Years Day: Resolutions

Weight:  X+15

I will:
* Obviously lose 15 pounds
* Do 60 crunches (4 sets of 15, upper, lower, left side, right side) and 40 leg lifts for every time I consume food, when I wake up, and before bed in an effort to actually have visible abs for first time in life.
* Have at least one meal a day that doesn't come from the freezer and/or require the microwave.
*Only re-read one Jane Austen book all year- and only on my birthday weekend.
*Fight the instinct to fix everything immediately and instead LISTEN to people.
*Learn seventeen-bajillion languages.
*Interact with more humans than dogs daily.
*Remember that skinny girls do not eat pretzels dipped in nutella for dinner.
*Stop mistaking cereal for vegetable.
*Stop shopping online...except for Amazon....and JCrew sales....and shoe-sites....ok, scratch that.
*Subtract 50 cals from daily allowance for every time I chew my nails.  If they are so tasty, let's see how filling they are!
*Get up early enough to eat breakfast at home.
*Smile instead of sharing my opinions all the time.
*Write down all the bad things that happen to me to get them out of my system, rather than boring everyone with my personal, daily, meaningless struggles.
*Be (even) kind(er) to telemarketers - have made great strides, but came from very low place.
*Honk horn to save lives - rather than assuming other drivers can hear my monologue of "what are you doing?!?! You're going to hit me!!!"
*Use. Gym. Membership.
*Take vitamins.
*Stop walking dog in pajamas - or at least pajama sets that are CLEARLY pajamas.
*Use dining room table for something other than sorting the recycling.

I will NOT:
*Take myself too seriously.
*Forget what's really important in life.
*Be shy.
*Gossip relentlessly.
*Complain/whine in dolphin tones.
*Be close-minded.
*Dance around condo as if camera crew collecting footage for Ally McBeal type show, starring me.
*Drink caffeine after 2pm.  No, really.  Will. Not.
*Eat movie theater soft pretzel instead of meal.
*Curse. 

Let's see if I make it through the day; yeesh.